Approaching triple digits…

Two days away.

98.

100 days.

This is huge.

2,400 hours.

144,000 minutes.

8,640,000 seconds.

Far, far away from catching up to the 20 years that I’ve been suffering – but it’s a great start.  It’s amazing, incredible, fantastic, terrific and something I honestly wasn’t sure I would ever be able to achieve again.  I thought this was going to be my life forever.  But I decided that it wouldn’t be and so it isn’t.  That’s the great thing about a mental illness.  Getting help is key.  Understanding it and getting the tools to recover are crucial.  It is at that point when you get power to gain control to make the decisions and changes you want to.  And my decisions have led me to a celebratory day on Wednesday.

100 days.  I can’t wait.  To me, this is HUGE!

How do you propose I celebrate?  How should I reward myself for such a milestone?

Give me your feedback.

shynz10@gmail.com

Advertisements

I know it comes from love…

But understand I am working my f’ing ass off. This disease is not a choice. I would never choose to treat myself like this. IT IS A MENTAL ILLNESS!

If there was a magic cure to make it go away I would be all over it. If there was a facility that I felt confident would help me. I would admit myself.

This disease is not one size fits all. It takesyour energy, devotion and commitment to get better.

I have the tools. I’ve had so much help.  I know what I need to do.  And I am doing it!

I have reintroduced different forms of professional help to ensure I stay on this path.

Wednesday will be 100 days.

I have the energy. I am devoted. And I am beyond committed. I am proving that every single day.

So know that I am doing what I need to in order to be successful.

Unless you talk to me every single minute of every single day, don’t try and understand this illness. Don’t be angry because you don’t think I’m working hard enough. Don’t think I’m being enabled.  If that was true I wouldn’t be writing this blog tonight. I would be in the bathroom, lying on the floor in agony after swallowing a couple hundred laxatives.

I know it comes from love.

Just love me.

I’m taking care of the rest.

Look how far I have come. 100 days.

My body will catch up. Don’t use that as a measure of my success.

Salad. Salad. And more salad.

I am a creature of habit.

Right now, I keep to a ‘routine’.  Makes me feel safe. Makes me feel comfortable. I eat what I know.  Less of the unknown eliminates urges.

At one point I realized this could be unhealthy. But I also realized that I can only take care of one vice at a time. My goal right now is to NOT TAKE LAXATIVES. TO KEEP FOOD IN. And I am doing just that. I do try and incorporate different things in my meals. Peanut butter. Cheese. Chicken. Nuts. Snacks. But slowly. This takes time.

My mom said when I sit down with a bag of jube jubes, she will know I’m far down the road to recovery. I will get there.

So I may eat lots of salads, but I’m eating. And it’s staying in.

Tonight after dinner, Tyler asked me how my dinner was. My usual, typical salad. But in his eyes he sees it different. It wasn’t like every other night so to him it was a change. And how cute that he asked me?!

The kids even noted yesterday how I always eat dinner with them. Bubie Vits took them out so I was on my own. They asked if I was lonely because “You always eat with us now.”

Now being the key word.

One word. Means everything.  Illustrates the enormous change I have made.  They realize it.  But they don’t.

So yep. Salad. Lots of it.

So……..things peachy now???

Like I said, I was having a tough couple of days.  Navigating myself and getting through difficult times.

But, I got through them.  I didn’t engage.  I didn’t act.  I didn’t cave.  I didn’t throw in the towel.  I didn’t give up.  What happened?

Absolutely nothing.  We took Cooper out for ice cream (he was rewarded – long story; something with school), bought MJ a cookie for her birthday tomorrow (she’s going to be ONE!!), picked up some stuff at the grocery store, watched TV, Tyler helped me make lunch for today and went to bed.  Pretty normal stuff.  Normal to the average Joe.  Not average to someone with an Eating Disorder.  These are special, monumental, amazing, awesome, fantastic events that took place because I was able to.  Because I was present.  Because I wasn’t lying on the bathroom floor sick to my stomach.

I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t give it some thought.  Fighting these demons are hard and soooooo mentally draining and totally exhausting.

“I would only have to take 2-5 laxatives to get the desired effect.  It would be so much easier than taking hundreds, so why not?  You would get relief without having to digest handfuls of pills.  It would be a win/win, right?”

WRONG!

Win/Win is what really happened.  I didn’t take and I got to enjoy the night with my tiny humans.  And this morning I woke up feeling great.  My  mind was clear and I saw the positive outcome that came from not engaging in negative behaviour.

Sometimes you just have to talk yourself through it.

When I was being interviewed yesterday by the Liberal (they are publishing a follow up story on December 21st), one thing I mentioned was how I try to get ahead of myself instead of living in the moment.  Think about how my actions will effect me 6+ hours from the time I would take laxatives.  How my day would be altered.  My schedule would be completely different and I would have to make plans to compensate for me being totally unavailable.

So, yes, things are peachy.  They are sometimes bruised but I just keep digging until I find the ripe ones and appreciate those ones.

Everything is NOT peachy….

I have been super positive lately.  And I always mean what I say (or write).  I don’t ever bullshit my feelings.  I may not talk about them if I’m not in the mood, but I won’t say I feel one way when in fact I feel a different way.

The last couple of days, yesterday in particular has been tough.  Really, really difficult.  Why?  I have no clue.  My only guesses are:

  • I am finished my event so I have more free time and am coming off of the high from such an amazing, incredible experience.
  • Approaching a big milestone (100 days), and I am putting a lot of pressure on myself.
  • Getting use to my life without laxatives (I know you would think that this is a great thing, but as you heard when I spoke last week- it doesn’t make sense, won’t ever make sense, but it is a life I’m not familiar with and one I am trying to adapt to.  It’s a life without what I know).  It’s tough.  It is hard changing.  It is hard doing what you are not use to.  Even if it’s something that is slowly killing you.

I have to always remind myself that laxatives were doing just that.  Slowly killing me.  Slowly ending my life.  Slowly taking away all of the amazing things I have.

Last night, Rob and I booked a trip in January with the kids to Mexico.  We told them today and they were sooooo excited.  Cooper’s first question was if there was a toilet on the plane.  Tyler asked if there was a basketball court and Adam asked about the meals.  My typical boys.  It is going to be fantastic.  We haven’t been away in quite some time.  Something we all need.  A change of scenery.  A change of pace.  A time to be together.

But continuing my Eating Disorder, I would eliminate something like that.  It wouldn’t be an option.  Because, as I’ve said, every time I take a laxative I’m on step further away from seeing my children grow up.  I’m one step further away from doing things like taking a family trip.

I remind myself of the sign I bought the other day and hung up in my room.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING, REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED.

It’s a fight and struggle Every.  Single.  Day.

And I get to make the choice if I want to fight and live.  Or give up and die.  My choice.  I am the only one who can map out my destiny.

Giving up is certainly easier.  Fighting takes work, effort, determination and strength.  But once I am recovered.  Fully recovered, it won’t be a struggle anymore.  It will be living.

I got through yesterday.

Now, let’s work on today.

One day at a time.  One minute at a time.

 

What’s Next On SHYNZ MISSION’s Agenda

What I found out after my event, is that there is such a huge demand for more education, more knowledge and more support.  For parents.  For loved ones.  For friends.  People want to support someone suffering but don’t know how.  Not sure what to do, not sure what to say and not sure where to begin.

There are so many different ways to try and help someone who is struggling with an Eating Disorder and mental illness in general that many people came up to me and said they didn’t know where to start.  I want to help!

I am going to be arranging a speakers forum for parents/caregivers and loved ones to attend a session with some professionals that can assist in the things to say, the things to do and the support that will help get through this awful and horrible disease.

I am looking at February 21st – and it will take place in Vaughan.

I will keep you posted.

As always, looking for your comments, suggestions and feedback.

BTW – today is 92 days being laxative free.  HOLY #$%^

I honestly didn’t believe I would be able to do it.  I honestly believed that I would live my life taking laxatives until one day they would just kill me.  Thinking like that is basically checking yourself out.  Why bother living if your plan essentially is going to kill you?  And you know that.  Why get up in the morning?  Why attempt to function during the day if you feel that your actions will do nothing but end your life.  It gives you no purpose, no drive and no ambition to do anything but stay where you are.  Stuck in an Eating Disorder.

Change your way of thinking.

When you change your thoughts, you change your actions.

All it takes is one small change.  I decided that I would try to get past my 3 day hump.  After I was able to do that, I challenged myself to 5 days, than 7 – and so on.  Don’t set your goals too high or make them unrealistic.  If you fail, you will assume that you cannot do it.  Make your goals  attainable and treat yourself when you achieve them.

December 13th is 100 days.  You better believe I’m treating myself to something!