Q and A

Thank you for sending in your questions.

I will address two that seemed to come up the most.

Do you think you are fat?  When you look at yourself what do you see?

No.  I know I’m not fat.  I know I need to gain weight.  I know that I should have an ass, boobs and not have to wear only leggings because I don’t’ fit into my old clothes properly.  I certainly understand that.  And to  be honest, that’s a great thing.  It would be a million times worse for me, if my mind convinced me that I needed to be here and stay here.  But because I know this, I am able to try and get my way through recovery with clearer thoughts.

When I’m around other people I really see the difference.  When I look in my eyes, on a day like today I see happiness.  They are bright, cheery and feeling good.  I love days like today.

It is very hard to see yourself the way other people see you when you live in your skin every day.  So although I know I am NOT fat, it is difficult for me to see what you see.  But don’t get me wrong – I know that weight gain is a must!

Why is recovery so hard?  What is your biggest challenge?

Recovery is hard because an Eating Disorder takes up so much of your life.  Your thoughts, feelings and emotions become so focused on your illness.  The mind is such a powerful thing and it eventually begins to take over how you function on a day to day basis.  For people such as myself that have been struggling for quite some time it makes it even more difficult because I have been fighting this for so long it makes it harder to just “turn it off”.  You also identify with the disorder,  You find comfort in it.  It becomes a coping mechanism and almost a way to relieve stress and do something that you become so good at it gives you a sense of satisfaction.

My biggest challenge is giving it up as my coping mechanism.  So I have found other ways to deal in stressful situations or when I simply want to go to comfort.  Read a book, go for a walk, play with my kids – anything that gets my mind off doing something that will end up punishing me for 48 hours.

 

 

 

Instead of always criticizing..

…wouldn’t it be nice if praised ourselves once in a while.

This journey called recovery is hell on earth.  I wish it was a day by day type of thing, but it’s more like a second by second path.  Because it has consumed so much of my life, recovery is magnified ever more so.

But, what I have found is that when I have a relapse or a slip up, I completely beat myself up over it.  I feel as if all of the work I have done has been for nothing.  It feels like I am starting all over again.

Today.  I was having a very hard day.  As my body adjusts to life without laxatives, it comes with terrible side effects.  Terrible to someone with an eating disorder.  You are constipated and bloated.  The two things that lead me down this path.  The problem is that I know how to get rid of that – easily,  Well, I say easily but we all know that the two days following my “solution” are not easy at all.

But I know how to band-aid the feeling and get rid of it.  All it takes is a quick trip to the drugstore and some planning on my part.  Today was especially hard.  Really difficult.  My stomach was in pain along with the severe abdominal puffiness.

I came home after work, made dinner for my kids.  We took the dog for a walk, had showers and watched the Raptors Game.  What I try to remind myself time and time again is to trust my body.  Trust that it won’t stay like that forever.  Trust that it will look out for me and trust that it will work properly again.  I owe it at least that much.

And as I sit at the computer with a cup of coffee, my stomach is still bloated – but definitely less bloated.  And I’m not in the bathroom.  I will be able to sleep tonight.

So I did nothing about it.  But I did everything about it.  I didn’t act on my temptations.  I didn’t give into ED.  Instead, I was able to spend MY time doing what I wanted.  And it’s freeing.  There is a sense of calm when I don’t have to plan out the next 48 hours in order to make myself feel some temporary relief after going through awful, horrible, excruciating pain.

So I need to congratulate myself for this milestone.  For talking myself out of it.  For not allowing ED to win.  For being me.  For being Lisa.

For living.

Being afraid

Giving up something you have known for 20+ years is terrifying. I’m not saying it makes sense, but it’s the truth.

It’s what I know. It’s the life I live everyday. It has taken on a personality of its own and is a huge part of who I am. Not who I want to be, but ED manipulated his way into my life and works very hard at trying to convince me otherwise.

It is hard to replace something that occupies your thoughts, feelings, actions and emotions. Especially when it’s something that focuses on one of the most important aspects of your day. Food. We need it. There is no getting around it. It’s imperative to live. So I can’t walk away from it. I can’t not go to the grocery store. I can’t not eat. So I must face these stupid demons every single day. Every single minute. Every single second.

And try. Try to enjoy the life I am working at getting back. Try at loving to eat the things I have given up.  Try to live.

And most importantly – to not be afraid.

IMG_9890

Try Harder

I wish I could try harder.

But I don’t think there is such thing as trying harder.  You are trying or you are not trying.

I was told today, by someone I love more than life to please try harder.  I know it comes from love, concern and wanting to see me well – but I wish you could understand that I can’t try harder.  I’m really doing the very best I can.  I’m better than last year, better than 6 months ago, better than two weeks ago and better than yesterday.  So I’m better.  I’m trying.  I can’t try harder.

I will continue to try.

I promise I won’t stop trying.  For you.  For me.

Q and A

Thank you, thank you and thank you.

The support and messages I received were overwhelmingly amazing.

A lot of you had questions.

I am going to do a Q and A blog.

I won’t publish any names.  Just your question and I will address it.  Don’t be shy – ask me anything.  My mission here is to help and educate so nothing is off limit.

Please send all questions to shynz10@gmail.com

 

 

Wow

I cannot believe the response I received after my speech was shared on Facebook.

I had over 500 views on my blog yesterday.

And tons of people reached out to me because they have been effected or know someone that is currently struggling with an Eating Disorder.

As I’ve said, this 20+ year struggle can’t have been for nothing.

So my journey begins, continues as I help people so that they won’t experience the hell I have gone through.  But first and foremost, my priority is to help myself.  Which I’m working on.  Every.  Single.  Day.