I’ve finally really let my guard down. I mean really down.
I’ve always been ashamed of my Eating Disorder. I’ve never wanted to talk about the deep dark secrets I have held on to, but by choosing recovery, I also had to choose to let go of everything and be open and honest. Holding on to negative feelings, emotions and memories will keep me in my illness.
Right now, Rob is the closest one to me who is going through this every day. I won’t lie. It’s put a HUGE wedge in our marriage. HUGE. But, recovery has done just the opposite. It has brought us closer, it has made me open up more and he can really appreciate the struggles I have been going through. I really have to give Rob credit. Throughout all of this he never told me to just stop, just eat or make me feel any guilt, shame or embarrassment. Never. Not once. I will forever be greatful. He took our vows for better or for worse to heart and stood by watching his wife live through a mental illness. He can’t imagine what it’s like to be in my shoes and likewise I will never know what he’s been going through.
So as I continue to grow as a person, Rob and I get to grow as a couple. It’s refreshing and has changed us. For the better.
Marriage is hard enough. Than you throw in a mental illness and everything changes. I wasn’t sure if we would be able to get through it. But, something has happened. Maybe it was our time away. I don’t know. But I decided that this is worth fighting for. And Rob said the same.
So again, ED tried to take something away from me. And lost.
We always said it’s important to stay together for the kids. But we realized that it can’t be for that. It has to be for us. Do we want to be the only two in this house when the kids are gone? Will we be happy?
Just like my ED. Recovery can’t be about me doing it for other people. It has to be for me.
Rob, I know you don’t read this everyday but you check in every now and than. I get that. Don’t worry. Sometimes hearing things I put myself through tortures you.
But know that I am greatful, appreciative and love you for standing by me, believing in me and never loosing hope.
Many husbands would’ve left years ago.