I have been super positive lately. And I always mean what I say (or write). I don’t ever bullshit my feelings. I may not talk about them if I’m not in the mood, but I won’t say I feel one way when in fact I feel a different way.
The last couple of days, yesterday in particular has been tough. Really, really difficult. Why? I have no clue. My only guesses are:
- I am finished my event so I have more free time and am coming off of the high from such an amazing, incredible experience.
- Approaching a big milestone (100 days), and I am putting a lot of pressure on myself.
- Getting use to my life without laxatives (I know you would think that this is a great thing, but as you heard when I spoke last week- it doesn’t make sense, won’t ever make sense, but it is a life I’m not familiar with and one I am trying to adapt to. It’s a life without what I know). It’s tough. It is hard changing. It is hard doing what you are not use to. Even if it’s something that is slowly killing you.
I have to always remind myself that laxatives were doing just that. Slowly killing me. Slowly ending my life. Slowly taking away all of the amazing things I have.
Last night, Rob and I booked a trip in January with the kids to Mexico. We told them today and they were sooooo excited. Cooper’s first question was if there was a toilet on the plane. Tyler asked if there was a basketball court and Adam asked about the meals. My typical boys. It is going to be fantastic. We haven’t been away in quite some time. Something we all need. A change of scenery. A change of pace. A time to be together.
But continuing my Eating Disorder, I would eliminate something like that. It wouldn’t be an option. Because, as I’ve said, every time I take a laxative I’m on step further away from seeing my children grow up. I’m one step further away from doing things like taking a family trip.
I remind myself of the sign I bought the other day and hung up in my room.
WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE QUITTING, REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED.
It’s a fight and struggle Every. Single. Day.
And I get to make the choice if I want to fight and live. Or give up and die. My choice. I am the only one who can map out my destiny.
Giving up is certainly easier. Fighting takes work, effort, determination and strength. But once I am recovered. Fully recovered, it won’t be a struggle anymore. It will be living.
I got through yesterday.
Now, let’s work on today.
One day at a time. One minute at a time.