For Better or for Worse

I’ve finally really let my guard down. I mean really down.

I’ve always been ashamed of my Eating Disorder. I’ve never wanted to talk about the deep dark secrets I have held on to, but by choosing recovery, I also had to choose to let go of everything and be open and honest. Holding on to negative feelings, emotions and memories will keep me in my illness.

Right now, Rob is the closest one to me who is going through this every day. I won’t lie. It’s put a HUGE wedge in our marriage. HUGE. But, recovery has done just the opposite. It has brought us closer, it has made me open up more and he can really appreciate the struggles I have been going through. I really have to give Rob credit. Throughout all of this he never told me to just stop, just eat or make me feel any guilt, shame or embarrassment. Never. Not once. I will forever be greatful. He took our vows for better or for worse to heart and stood by watching his wife live through a mental illness. He can’t imagine what it’s like to be in my shoes and likewise I will never know what he’s been going through.

So as I continue to grow as a person, Rob and I get to grow as a couple. It’s refreshing and has changed us. For the better.

Marriage is hard enough. Than you throw in a mental illness and everything changes. I wasn’t sure if we would be able to get through it. But, something has happened. Maybe it was our time away. I don’t know. But I decided that this is worth fighting for. And Rob said the same.

So again, ED tried to take something away from me. And lost.

We always said it’s important to stay together for the kids. But we realized that it can’t be for that. It has to be for us. Do we want to be the only two in this house when the kids are gone? Will we be happy?

Just like my ED. Recovery can’t be about me doing it for other people. It has to be for me.

Rob, I know you don’t read this everyday but you check in every now and than. I get that. Don’t worry. Sometimes hearing things I put myself through tortures you.

But know that I am greatful, appreciative and love you for standing by me, believing in me and never loosing hope.

Many husbands would’ve left years ago.



It is easy to continue behaviours and actions when you have been doing them for so long. Change is hard for everyone. Whether the changes are good or bad for you, it is easier to do what you know.

I wish I could go back 20 years and tell myself not to make that one decision to buy laxatives. It changed everything. It changed my life. It changed me. It was a slow and gradual change. Recovery is the same. Slow. But it’s harder to get out of something than it is to get into it. Often times you don’t realize you are falling into a trap until it’s too late.

Don’t allow yourself to live in a situation you don’t want to. You can change. You can make it different. I changed my life and introduced an Eating Disorder so I can change it to get rid of this illness that completely destroyed my life. Why the fuck would I want to live with something that has brought nothing but complete destruction to my life?

We feel sorry for ourselves. We give ourselves reasons not to fight. We talk ourselves into a bad situation because we figure we aren’t strong enough to change.

Bullshit! Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop telling yourself you don’t have the willpower. Don’t tell yourself that you are sick of the “voices” telling you otherwise. STOP! STOP! STOP!

This is your fucking life. This is your one and only chance at life. I can promise you that in 10 years from now, not eating that handful of jube jubes because I was worried about the calories won’t make any difference on the life I am living. But by not eating them I am creating a pattern and mindset that will continue until I stop. The more restrictions you put on yourself, the less you will enjoy your life.

Live it. Enjoy it. Stop putting rules, restriction, excuses in your way. You are your own worst enemy. You have friends and family that adore you for who you are. They don’t care if you smoke, drink, over exercise, are overweight, underweight or have anxiety. They love you for you.

You hate yourself for putting those behaviours into action. So stop.

I know it doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye. But if you don’t start now, you never will. If you keep making excuses you will never get out of this vicious cycle that is keeping you hostage in your own life.

Make the changes. Do what you want do to. Be who you want to be.
And start now. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month. Right now.


During this process, recovery has given me many things.

The most important being a better understanding of who I am, what I like and a good hard look at what I want from life.

Recovery brings a lot of self reflection. You think a lot and look at yourself in a different way.

I used laxatives as a coping mechamism. When I didn’t want to deal I took laxatives to disappear and give myself a timeout.

I’ve learnt I can cope. I’m perfectly capable of taking a situation and accepting whatever consequences, good or bad will come to me.

I believed I would live with this illness forever. In a way I will. The voice won’t ever go away. And I will always know how many calories are in an apple.

But acting on the urges is not coping. It is running away from my problems.

Making a sundae bar called Mommies for my kids was how I coped tonight when I got the heebie jeebies. I didn’t cave and go to the drugstore and put myself out of commission for hours and hours and hours.

I gave myself the biggest, most rewarding lesson. Time. With my kids.

Coping. Dealing. And recognizing that unless I resolve the issues, they will be there after the laxative overdose.

Similar to not dealing and coping with this illness 10 years ago. It was right there waiting for me back in the spring of 2014.

New Year. New Problems

My relapse happened in April of 2014. We don’t know exactly why but that was the start of my Eating Disorder – again. I didn’t fully deal with it the first time around so it really was just a matter of time before it returned.

When I first became ill 20 years ago it took a VERY long time for me to acknowledge it. Mainly because I didn’t think it was a problem and also because I liked it too much.

But over the years I saw what it did to me, my family and my friends. It destroyed me. It took who I was and broke me down into tiny fragments.

So this time, I was well aware of what was going on and what this path would look like. I was torn between wanting to keep it a secret and crying out for help. I thought I could get it under control – but we all know how difficult that is.

In September of 2014 we were at my parents house for Rosh Hashana. We were sitting in the living room shooting the shit about life. I suppose it was having the family together, which is my most favourite thing to do that it brought about a huge gush of emotions. I started bawling my eyes out. I told my family what was going on and that I was petrified that my illness had once again taken over my life. I distinctively remember the look on all of their faces. It was of pure horror and sadness. They knew all too well what this meant. They knew all too well what this could do and they knew all too well how difficult a fight it can be. But as always they supported me and told me they would be there for me and we would do what we had before this became a big problem.

But that is the problem. An Eating Disorder takes over very quickly and happens at a rapid pace. Especially when you have been down that road before. You know the tricks and you know how to behave. Mine was no exception. It happened in the blink of an eye. It was back.

I’ll never forget that day. I’ll never forget my families reactions. They were heartbroken. They didn’t say it because they would never put that on me, but I knew they were. As much as they wanted to help and they continually do we all know and knew that it had to come from me wanting to get better in order to get better.

I’ve said it before. You can get all of the medical help in the world, but the minute you leave the hospital, program or doctors office, you have to take those tools and put them to work. You are the one in charge of your recovery.X

Are you afraid of relapsing?

This was a question someone sent me last week. Coming this far has been so difficult and such a painful, awful, horrible experience.

But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I feel like I’ve been born again. I get to start over and carve my life out to be whatever I want it to be.

I always fear relapse. It’s so incredibly easy to fall back into your old way of thinking and introducing your Eating Disorder back into your life.

Deep down I know I can’t relapse. It won’t ever be one time; it won’t ever be the last time. Simply put; if I relapse it will be the beginning of the end. I can not afford to give up everything for a short term ‘reward’

I will end up taking more and more laxatives and…well…I will die.

It won’t ever be one more time or the last time. It will be my death sentence.

So to answer your questiom YES I am petrified. I try to use that as ammunition to fight off the urges.

I cannot go through this a third time. I cannot and won’t. I won’t live to see my 44th bday if I do it just one more time.

Starbucks Switcheroo

This weekend brought back a memory I wanted to share with you.

I had an appointment at NYGH for an ultrasound. Nothing important. Just my amazing doctor doing the usual follow up to make sure my body is doing what it’s suppose to.

A few years back I met with the team at the hospitals Eating Disorder clinic. Long story short they wouldn’t take me. My case was too severe and they felt that the three days a week they offered wouldn’t benefit me.

But before this was decided I went through the ‘interview’ process. I remember they showed me the meal plan and what would be expected from me.

One item on the list was beverages. You could use that towards one of your ‘exchanges’ for dinner. But it had to be regular fat and nothing low cal. You would have to give them the cup from Starbucks showing what the contents were. I remember thinking how I could fool them. I would order a regular drink and a low calorie drink and just switch the cups.

As I walked by Starbucks today and thought back to this ‘logic’ I had concocted, it made me so sad. Sad to think I was going to try and recover but in fact I wasn’t trying at all. I was trying to fool them.

At the end of the day I would only be fooling myself.

I am glad to know that I can recognize that as sick, twisted and irrational thinking for someone who now actually wants to get well.