Where Has The Time Gone?

Over the past few days social media has exploded with pictures of kids graduating from public school. Many of these posts are friends of mine and it’s crazy to think that Tyler will be doing that in two years.

A common theme is everyone asking ‘where did the time go?’

It got me thinking. Where the hell has the time gone?  Planning a bar mitzvah next year and my 10 year old asking  me what public hair is shows that time moving way too quickly

Time certainly flies by.

It’s priceless and irreplaceable.

And I have given up almost half of my life. To this illness.

When I’m 80 will I remember the day we took the kids to the pumpkin patch?  No. I will remember being too sick to get out of bed because I swallowed hundreds of laxatives.  It pains me. It hurts my heart. I’m upset, angry and so utterly pissed off.

I want to be remembered for all of the good I have to offer. I don’t want to look back and regret that I wouldn’t get an ice cream cone when I took my kids to Baskin Robbins because it had way too many calories.  When I’m 80 that won’t matter. And it shouldn’t matter now.  What matters is living your life. Don’t let your life pass you by.

You have to know that your life is precious and valuable. Do not give it up to an Eating Disorder.

I don’t want to look back and have so many regrets that they saw outnumber the great memories I have lived and the ones waiting to be created.

When I get tempted. When the urge strikes and I want to engage with my Eating Disorder I remind myself of two things.

1. My life is worth living. I cannot let ED live it for me. If I do, I will certainly look back and regret the path I walked along.

2. The disease will kill me.  My family and friends will bury me at 44 years old.

If I eat an extra 500 calories today who the fuck cares.

I want my memories to be fantastic, amazing and incredible. Not the image of me lying on the washroom floor in agonizing pain.

My yearbook quote in high school sums it up perfectly – it’s by Van Halen.

Nothing is more expensive than regret.

Dont let your life just happen.  Live your life.  You only get to do this once.

 

 

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All good…

Just taking a few days off.  Be back soon.

Don’t Always Believe What You See

I’m a big fan of YouTube videos, Instagram posts and following people on various social media platforms that I feel offer good advice, suggestions and support for people struggling with Eating Disorders.

It can be a great thing and it can also be a bad thing.
You feel motivated and connected to complete strangers that understand your thoughts, feelings and struggles. It makes you feel less alone. It makes you feel less crazy. It makes you feel validated.

But…it also makes you feel like a failure and defeated when you have a set back. You don’t think that your recovery path is going the way “it should” because you aren’t progressing like the people you follow.

Guess what? They don’t always show you everything. They don’t always tell you everything. A lot of the people I follow are very honest about this. They will tell you what they want, when they want and how much they want. Full days of eating are not always FULL DAYS OF EATING. They show you bits and pieces. When they have a set back and end up crying on the floor of the kitchen, they may not want to show you that. Just like your life is private and open when you want so is theirs.

Everything you see is not everything that is happening. You have to remember that, take it into account and know that your struggles are just like everybody else’s. Recovery is not a straight line, it is not an easy road to travel and we all go through different things at different times. This is not a one size fits all path. You will get better at your own pace. You will have struggles at your own pace and your victories will be celebrated when you get through difficult times.

Giving up because you feel that you are not recovering the “way you should” is NOT AN OPTION. You will get better at a pace that works best for you and will give you the most success. In life we all live different lives, have different ups and downs and they happen to us individually. Just like recovery. It is individual for each and every person. Your recovery is your own recovery. Do not look at anyone else and compare your journey to theirs.

It is yours. Be proud of your accomplishments, be thrilled when you achieve your goals and use the set backs as motivation to push forward – don’t look back. It is dark, depressing and will lead you down a path of destruction and eventually death. Keep your eyes forward and be proud of what you HAVE done. Use the experience of others to provide motivation and encouragement to know we are in this together.

Everything happens for a reason.

Today I had plans to go to a store to pick up some pastries (not giving specifics to protect privacy). I was lazy and didn’t want to go. But my kids love their stuff so I got in the car and went.

I stood at the counter and placed my order with a beautiful young woman. Friendly. Helpful and full of energy.

She leaned over the counter and whispered to me: I saw your video and it really spoke to me.

I was shocked. I was speechless. I was touched.

She asked if she could hug me.
OF COURSE.

She came around the counter and hugged me as if we had been friends forever. She was shaking and I could hear her sniffling.

As I stood there with this complete stranger holding on to me so tightly I was honoured and angry.

Honoured that she trusted me to open up and tell me her most private secrets. And angry that yet another person is struggling and the health care system is failing. Again. This is not right. This is not fair.

She wants help. She wants to get better but doesn’t know where to go and who to talk to.

My video resonated with her. She’s 20. I’m 44. We likely would’ve never crossed paths in our lives. But we have so much in common and a bond that is hard to explain.

We exchanged information. She said she was sent the video from a coworker that recognized me and this young woman was just waiting for me to come in so she could talk to me.

Incredible. Amazing. Terrific. Fantastic.

Having an Eating Disorder is lonely. Isolating. Embarrassing. Shameful and secretive. But today I was able to make my new friend feel less alone and to know that her thoughts and actions are not unrealistic. They are not pessimistic. They are not out of the ordinary. They are exactly what goes on when the beast of ED takes over.

She wants to get better. As so many people want to.

I said to her something I once heard that sums it up perfectly.

We want it gone. But we don’t want to let it go.

I’m not a doctor, therapist or medical professional. But what I can offer to her and others is my experience and the comfort in knowing they are not alone.

The more people talk about it, the more they feel less alone.

So to my very special new friend EB, fate certainly brought us together today. And although you were happy to meet me today, I was elated that I decided to come to your store today.

I still struggle with the demons every day. But today we both gave each other exactly what we needed.

Support and friendship.

I Just Want This To Be Over

I WANT TO STOP RECOVERING.
I WANT TO BE RECOVERED!!

It is so much work. Such tremendous effort. Huge highs and enormous lows.

Every day is so different. You can achieve so much and be so proud of yourself one minute and the next day you feel the complete opposite. You feel tired, exhausted, drained, angry, sad and defeated.

In the back of your mind you’re always thinking how it would be easier to just give up and stop fighting. But giving up cannot be an option for me. I have allowed this eating disorder to steal over 20 years of my life. If I give up, this time will be the last time.

I always think that I can do it “just one more time”. We all do. You think you can do it just one more time to relieve the awful feelings, horrible thoughts and the negativity that surrounds you. But I know that one more time will be an invitation back into my life permanently. And although I think that I can do it just one more time, it will be the last time because this time it WILL kill me.

Taking over 250 laxatives is not something I would’ve ever thought my body would tolerate. It will not be able to handle more. Taking that many brought me as close to death as I ever want to be. My body can only handle so much abuse. I have tortured it, taken advantage of it and not given it the respect it deserves.

I would never allow someone to treat me this way or make me feel as awful as this eating disorder has made me feel. So it is crucial that I take control of myself and my life and I give my body the respect it deserves. It is my responsibility to take care of it, nourish it and love it. Nobody will ever love me as much as I need to love myself.

Today has been a hard day. Why? I don’t have an answer for that. It is part of the recovery process. It is not a straight line, it’s not easy every day. You are faced with ups and downs as you maneuver your way to the finish line. The unfortunate part is that you don’t see the finish line. I don’t know when I will get there but I can never ever stop trying. It is OK to have bad days, it is OK to feel defeated, it is OK to cry, it is OK to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. What’s not OK is allowing your illness to take control and ruin the wonderful life that is right in front of you.

I don’t take for granted anything that I have in my life. My family and my friends are the most important things to me. I have so much to live for. My illness has nothing to live for. It is the one that needs to feel defeated, it is the one that needs to get the hell out of my life so that I can have a life again.

282 days ago I made the decision to change. To get better. To take control of my life. But it is not an easy road. I always want to be honest and let people know the harsh reality of recovery. It is difficult, painful, exhausting, tiring, upsetting and every other awful emotion you can imagine. But I know, that the good days are great and as I have more and more of those – recovery will be fantastic and most of all worth it.