Minutes, hours, days, weeks, years….I have felt nauseous so much of my life. Feeling like I want to throw up. Throwing up. Being so dizzy I can’t stand up. Fainting. Having no appetite because my stomach is in knots. Starving, but feeling like crap at the same time so I can’t eat. It’s an awful feeling. What makes it terrible is that I did it to myself. After taking hundreds of laxatives it takes anywhere from 2-5 hours for them to start working. It would hit me suddenly – but I knew the signs. My stomach would start to gurgle and than BAM instant nausea. The worst possible kind you can imagine. The kind where you have to lie down and rest your head. The kind where you have to turn off the lights. The kind where you need to be in complete silence. The kind where you are sweating. The kind where your body goes numb. The kind where the room is spinning. All of this is happening at once. Any one of these things would be awful, but to have every symptom is complete and utter torture.
Saturday. I was sitting on the sofa watching tv. All of a sudden I became nauseous. Out of nowhere. Definitely not to the extent that I was use to, but it was enough to make me want to put my head down. I felt terrible. It certainly is a shitty feeling and I couldn’t believe that I use to do this to myself. I had to lie down. The phone rang a couple of times, but I couldn’t answer it. I had to turn the tv off. My son came downstairs and asked if he could show me something on the computer. I told him I wasn’t feeling well and was resting my eyes (my bubie use to always say that).
I was afraid to tell Rob. I was afraid to talk to my mom when she called. I was afraid to tell them I didn’t feel well. They wouldn’t believe that I was nauseous just because I was nauseous. Why would they believe me? I can’t blame them. But it was genuine. I didn’t feel good because sometimes you just don’t feel good. And that’s okay. Was it my body becoming normal? Having aches, pains, nausea, good days, energetic moments and all that jazz. Over the past 32 days I have had days where I have felt great, fantastic and amazing. Something I haven’t experienced since the spring of 2014. Really great days. Not just days in-between laxatives, but weeks without them. So to have a day like Saturday really knocked me off my feet. Maybe it is my body normalizing or maybe its a reminder of how awful I use to make myself feel when I’ve been able to enjoy the great days.
It’s normal to not feel great some days. It’s not normal to feel like that every day at the hands of a mental illness.