It’s Party Time

Cooper’s 7th Birthday Party today.

I’m taking the day off.

Happy Sunday!

Oh. And by the way. Ummmm. 40 days today!!

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Decisions

You are in the car. Traffic is brutal. You decide to take a side street with the hopes of missing the bumper to bumper rush hour grid lock. Whether that was the right decision or not, your payoff is immediate.

When you have an Eating Disorder , recovery is all about decisions. Good ones. Bad ones. Confusing ones. The results take a lot of time. They don’t happen immediately. They take weeks, months. Even years.

Every day we make so many decisions about a variety of things. Work. Personal. Family. Financial. Friends.  Behaviours.

Eating Disorders become a full time job. The decisions are endless.  The first and most important one you will make is that you want to recover. Once you have made that choice you get to shift your life from prisoner to guard.

From that point on you continue to decide how you will act, what you will eat, how you will feel, what you will think, how to react and what behaviour you will engage in. All of those decisions can take place within the first hour of your day!

That is why recovery is so exhausting. It becomes a full time job.

But the good news is, the benefits from this job, when done successfully give you the best payoff.

You get yourself back. You get to be who you want to be. The voices may be there, but you get to make the decision not to listen to them.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

…than I am the incredible hulk.

The sad truth is, I shouldn’t be alive.  I should not have survived over 20+ years of laxative abuse.  In the past three years alone, since it’s return I have taken tens of thousands of laxatives.  TENS OF THOUSANDS!!!!!  To say that number and to see it makes me completely sick to my stomach.  A package contains 75 pills.  If I were to try and calculate it as best as I can, it would be about 55,000 laxatives in 3 years.  728 packages.  That’s $5,500.

It is incredibly sad because that money could’ve been put towards so many more meaningful things with my family.  But instead, I used that on a box of poison.  A red box that offered me the promise of feeling relief, empty and to decrease bloating.  It certainly came through with it’s promise.

But I still don’t understand how I am alive.  How is it that I have taken so many laxatives and my body continues to function?  My kidneys should’ve failed long ago.  I should’ve had a heart attack in my sleep.  I have certainly beat the odds.  But I also have to realize that it won’t last forever.  It’s amazing I have survived this long, but it WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.

As my body got smaller and my organs got weaker, I noticed what  little energy I had to do simple tasks, like walking up the stairs.  I was completely out of breath.  I was constantly tired.  My hair became brittle.  I had bags under my eyes.  I lost my menstrual cycle in November of 2015.  These are the signs you get.  I’ve said it before but (I’ll repeat it so anyone struggling understands the severity), there are no warning signs.  Sorry, wait.  Those are the warning signs.  You don’t go for blood work and find out that one more laxative will shut your organs down.  That does not happen.  Your doctor will get results that indicate your body has given up and is shutting down.  You only have months to live.  No warning signs.  Just a death sentence.

So don’t wait.  Don’t assume that you can continue to go on.  Don’t wait for a sign.  You don’t get it.  There are no signs with Eating Disorders.  You try so hard to manipulate your body to some idea of perfection when in fact you do quite the opposite.  I am not proud of what I have accomplished.  It’s awful that I am not able to look at myself in the mirror because I am embarrassed of what I see.  Was that my goal 20+ years ago?  Is this what I was trying to accomplish?  Certainly not!

One of the biggest problems with an Eating Disorder is that it is a moving target.  You start off wanting to loose 5lbs. But that changes to 10lbs, than 15lbs and so on.  There never is an end to this vicious cycle so you find yourself on a merry go round that you can’t get off of.

If I were able to stop 20 year old Lisa at the drug store two decades ago, I would show her a picture of what I look like today and what I looked like three years ago before the return of my illness.  I would see the empty eyes, I would see the sunken cheeks, I would see the pale skin and know that nothing in the world would ever be worth turning your body into a human punching bag.  I certainly would never, ever let anyone treat me like a complete piece of shit – yet I continued to do it to myself EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  Looking at pictures of myself in the spring of 2014 is incredible.  I was happy, I was living, I wasn’t a prisoner and I was thrilled with who I was.  It’s amazing how in the blink of an eye you can change what you think and how you feel and flip your life upside down.  But working to gain that back isn’t as quick.  It takes time.  Energy.  Determination and the fight of your life.  I will do whatever I have to and however long  it takes to get back the Lisa I know and love.

I remind myself every single day that one more time may very well be my last.  And that is what keeps me going. The only voice that matters is mine.

On a side note, I want to wish my very favourite and bestest Bebabru and Cosamilech a happy, happy and healthy birthday.  Thank you for being family.  But most of all thank you for being a best friend.  XO

 

I came across a couple articles that may be helpful:

http://www.mydiet.com/warning-top-11-consequences-of-laxative-abuse-for-weight-loss/

https://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm379440.htm

 

I Don’t Even Know Where To Begin

Wow.  Just wow!

My Chatelaine article came out yesterday and I received such an overwhelming response – it left me speechless (and for me that’s very rare).  Ironically, it was mental health day making my voice even more powerful.

So many of you reached out to congratulate me.  Dozens of people connected  to share their personal struggles.  This disease is horrible, awful, terrible, gross, mean, disgusting and isolating.  Nothing is worse than trying to fight this alone.

I am not a therapist.  I have never studied Eating Disorders.  I will never be able to give medical advice.  But what I can offer is better than that.  I have my own personal experience to share which is better than any information you will find in a textbook.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t seek out the professionals – absolutely you should.  But sometimes people are scared to make the first step or don’t know where to look.  I have been down the road many times and know how awful it can be to do it alone.

My mission is simple.  To fight this illness.  To recover.  While I do this, I will share my journey.  You are not alone.  Speak up.  Fight for yourself.   It is the hardest path I will ever travel, but I am worth every single step.  And so are you.

 

Welcome Newbies

If you have just found my blog Welcome!  I write every day. You can look back when I started this in May of 2015.

It will give you some insight into where I have been, where I am now and where I want to be in a year.

Always feel free to connect: shynz10@gmail.com

Thank you!

My Article in Chatelaine

Happy 35 days to me.

5 weeks.

I was honoured when Chatelaine Magazine approached me to write an article about my journey.

I will never stop sharing. I will never keep it a secret. I will never hide behind my Eating Disorder.

I have connected with so many people, made new friends and learned so much about myself that ED is slowly loosing his power as I gain back the control.

Please read the article and share your thoughts, opinions and feedback.

As always, thank you for your support.

http://www.chatelaine.com/health/essay-living-with-an-eating-disorder/

Gobble Gobble

What are you thankful for?

I am thankful for my life.

I am thankful that I am alive.

I am thankful for all of you.

I am thankful for my three tiny humans.

I am thankful for my family, my friends and most importantly, I am thankful for me.

I am lucky.

Happy Thanksgiving.