Why I’m Throwing In The Towel

I was going to meet with that organization I mentioned a couple weeks back to discuss us partnering up for another event/speakers series.

I cancelled.

I won’t be doing the event. As much as I want to, I simply cannot take it on. When I shared my story, I had so many wonderful people reach out to me. It was fantastic, amazing and overwhelming.

I did receive messages from people who were struggling or loved ones that needed guidance. I was always very direct when I told them I was not a doctor so all I could offer was my experience.

Doing an event to provide education and support to those who need to understand how to take care of someone struggling is needed. But I can’t do it.

Over the past few weeks I have received messages from people who were suicidal, depressed, confused or ashamed.

Those are HUGE emotions and feelings that I can’t help people navigate through. I’m not a medical professional and I’m not recovered. Recovering yes. Recovered no.

I need to be better and further into my journey in order to be able to cope with messages of such desperation.

This event would introduce a whole new group of people looking for guidance. I don’t feel that I am strong enough to take that on. I need to be well before anything and I don’t want to come across as someone with all of the answers.

Don’t get me wrong. I will eventually plan this event. But right now is not the right time.

Thank you for understanding and all of your love and support.

If I’m going to do an event; I want to do it right. Not a half ass job. It deserves 150% of my attention and I know I can’t give that right now.

There are many places to get help. And here is a great place to start:

https://sheenasplace.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/Program-Calendar-Summer-2018.pdf

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Scary!

You can’t choose your family. You are given a family and you have to live with them.

Man, I’m lucky. I have the best, most wonderful family.

This was proven today when my big, little brother called me to check in.

We talk often. Every day in fact. But today he wanted to talk about me. How was I doing. And he means it, he cares, he wants to see me succeed. He loves me. The feelings are mutual!

He gave me advice that nobody ever has said which really resonated with me:

“Don’t worry about perception but get uncomfortable. Do something that scares you.”

He is a million percent right. I can’t always make myself comfortable. That won’t make my recovery progress.  It’s allowing ED the power to still control me.

So Lits, that is my goal this week.

I’m going to do something that scares the shit out of me.

Look out ED! I’m coming for you!

Friends

You have plans with your best friend.

You pick her up. When she gets in the car you ask why in Gd’s name she would wear such a hideous dress.

You get out of the car and walk into the movie theatre. On your way in, you stuck out your leg and trip your friend who falls flat on her face.

You get into the consession line.  You tell your friend that she shouldn’t get popcorn.  It’s too fattening and she is getting quite chubby.

During the movie  your friend asks a question.  You tell her to shut her mouth because nothing she says is of importance.

After the movie you tell your friend you are driving her straight home because you are  embarrased to be seen with her.

When you drop her off at home, you tell her that you had a terrible time and you don’t want to go out with her ever again.

Some friend you are huh?!

Would you truly ever treat a friend with such disrespect and in such an awful manner?

Would you ever put it them down and make them feel unworthy?

I would imagine that your answers to both questions would be no .

So why is it OK to treat ourselves with such little respect?

We treat our friends with ,devotion, passion, sincerity, respect, and most of all love.

So why do we feel its ok to treat our self like crap? What if we treatedk our friends the way we treated our bodies?

We wouldn’t have any friends.

 

I’m Guilty Too

Many Bloggers, Instagramers, YouTubers and Facebookers, chronicle their Eating Disorder Recovery Journey.  There are several that I really enjoy and find helpful.

But, there are quite a few that I have stumbled across that I knew were complete bullshit.  They were attempting recovery and writing about all of their success and not documenting any failures.  Everything seemed peachy, simple and a road with no obstacles.  They made the decision to get better and it just happened.  Poof.  Like that.  And look, there is nothing wrong with giving people motivation and encouragement, but a false sense of reality is helping nobody.

I really wish I could tell you that it was simple.  I wish I could tell you that all you have to do is want to get better and you will.  But, not being honest is not fair to those you have opened yourself up to – but mostly to yourself.  And I am guilty of that.  As my journey began and people asked how I was doing – I always said great.  Things are going well.  But they weren’t.

Things are tough, hard, difficult, upsetting, depressing, frustrating, infurating and quite honestly there were soooooo many days that I just wanted to give up.  Trying seemed to hard.  Trying seemed like the more difficult option.  But I knew in my heart of hearts that it could not be an option.  It may be easier, but it was not the right option.  Giving up would mean death.  So I was honest.  With myself.  And in my blog I was open with the days or weeks that were challenging.  Don’t get me wrong.  Many people ask how I am doing/how I have been doing and often times my answer will be “I’m doing good.”  I don’t need to open my dirty laundry to everyone, everyday that I struggle.  Those closest to me, who have travelled this journey with me know when I’m struggling.  I will tell them, or because they know me so well – they will just know.  And I will blog about the tough days.

One of the girls I follow is a great example of being open and honest.  It helps her followers, but most importantly it helps her.  Talking through your struggles often heals the pain you are currently going through.

I don’t expect anyone to always be honest with me.  I get that.  Privacy is something we guard and protect and are often not ready to open up about everything.  But the most important thing I have learned throughout my journey is that there is absolutely no room in your recovery to bullshit yourself.  You have to be completely open and honest with yourself, your feelings, your emotions and your actions.  You are only fooling yourself.

This is one YouTuber I have been following for quite some time.  And she posted this, which I give her a ton of credit for.  Being open and honest with over 7,000 followers is very brave.

 

Get Off The Train

You have a birthday weekend. You go out to dinner with some friends. You spend the afternoon at the pool. You go on vacation. You may have just felt like a donut. So you ate a donut.

Why after these situations do we say ‘I am gonna get back on track?’

Why?  What is this track we talk about? Why is there a ‘punishment’ for doing something we enjoy. Why is it looked at as being  bad? Food is not bad. Eating what you want is not a bad thing. There is no need to tell yourself that ‘you will be better tomorrow’, or you will ‘work out an extra half an hour to burn off the chocolates you endulged in.’ It is called living – so live

There is no GETTING OFF TRACK.  THOSE ARE THINGS TO ENJOY IN  LIFE.

Do not convince yourself that something you ate should have a consequence to it. Eat it. Enjoy it and move on.

Punishment should never be the result of eating what you want.

If you gave you kids ice cream for dessert tonight does that mean that they should get back on track tomorrow?

Special Friends

I know I haven’t been writing as much.  Just enjoying the weather, time with my kids and living in the present.  It’s nice to be in the moment and to enjoy every single day.  If often feels like I’m living someone else’s life because the one I’m in is one that was stolen from me so long ago it often feels so foreign.

Than I come to realize that it is in fact mine.  It belongs to me.  These moments are all for me to live, enjoy and remember.  It’s emotional when I have these realizations of how far I have come and yet, how far I still have to go.  It will be a never ending journey, but one I must travel.  If I don’t continue with recovery this will end.  My life will end.  That is not an option.  I have so much to live for and I am reminded of that ever single day when I have my favourite three humans come downstairs and ask me how I slept.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not an easy road, it’s not happy go lucky every single day.  I don’t want anyone who is in my shoes to think that.  It’s hard, difficult, emotional and extremely exhausting.  But at the end of the day – it’s worth it.  The positives far outweigh the negatives.  There is no debating that.

I rarely publish names, but this time I feel it is necessary.

This illness has brought me shit, hell and destruction.  I will not give it any praise or allow it to be given any type of kudos.  However, recovery has brought me amazing,  fantastic moments and most importantly incredible friendships.  Two people in particular have become very special friends to me.  We never make plans, we never organize meetings, but somehow we always end up bumping into each other.

Shari and Sylvia.  You are two of the most inspirational women.  I have known you for quite some time but our friendship has changed immensely over the past year.  You encourage me, you make me laugh, your advice is honest, you are so loving and genuine that people like you are friends that I am honoured to have in my life.

Our meetings at Vaughan Mills, Loblaws or anywhere else are always turned into chats that go on and on and on and on.  And honestly, I always feel like they are not long enough.  I could sit and talk to you for days.  You always put a smile on my face and the praise you give me and advice is appreciated every.  Single. Time.

You have both added so much to my life and have helped guide me when I feel stuck and confused.

Thank you for being you, for being wonderful friends and for always making time to chat with me while my son sits outside of Victoria’s Secret playing on my phone – it really was a win win situation.

You are remarkable.

Oops.

As I approached 300 days I realized I didn’t have my dates correct. I always thought September 4, 2017 was the last time I took laxatives.

I was wrong.

It was September 8, 2017.

So I’ll have to wait a few extra days to celebrate my year milestone, but hey it will be worth the wait.