Coping. With death. And life.

My eating disorder is how I cope. How I escape. How I chicken out.

My 101 GREAT aunt passed away yesterday.
When I found out I was mortified. She was so special, generous, loving and extraordinary. Truly one of a kind.
I was so sad.
And I thought of turning to laxatives in that moment.
I stopped my thoughts. OMG. I am so sad and using them is a way not to deal with my grief in this moment.
That’s what I do. That’s what I turn to laxatives.
Those stupid pills make me think they will take away pain and sorrow.
But in reality they give me a lot more pain and sorrow than I could ever try and escape from.

And if I did take, my sadness will still be here when the effects wear off. She will still be gone. I will still not have a great aunt.

So, taking them is making myself suffer even more than I already am suffering.

I don’t deserve that.

Auntie Sara wouldn’t want that.

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