Last night, I did something I haven’t done in so long.
And why the fuck don’t I do it more often?
Oh, I know why? Because I was use to spending my evenings curled up in a ball on the washroom floor shitting my brains out for hours and hours. Or I would be leaning over the toilet throwing up what little food I ate that day. Another option would be sleeping in bed because the pain in my stomach was too unbearable to move. That’s why I haven’t done what I did last night more often.
So what did I do last night?
I sat at the sofa talking to Tyler. That’s all. Just talking. It was his birthday yesterday and so he wanted to know about the day he was born. He liked hearing the story. Asking questions. Laughing at how my mom almost suffocated me with the pillow while she held my head during labour. Loved knowing how I told my dad he was named after both of his parents. It was awesome. We also talked about jobs and what he wants to do when he is older. Take a guess what he wants to do? Something in sports. He asked if I could go back and do it all over again, what would I study at school. It was all about nothing, but meant everything.
Instead of acting on Eating Disorder behaviour, I acted like a mom. The job that I am best at. I always say I am a perfectionist and I perfected my eating disorder. More important than that I perfected being a mom (not to say I don’t still have areas to work on), but as far as my kids are concerned they see me as perfect.
So last night, I did something simple and something that should be so matter of fact. But for me, it’s something I have taken for granted for too many years. Last night I enjoyed every single minute of doing exactly what I should always do. Being a mom. Not an Eating Disorder.
When you enjoy the little things in life, remember the joy it gave you. And remember what ED could’ve taken away during those moments if you engaged with him. Always remember what he has stolen. Because that is all he does. He brings no joy, happiness or satisfaction. He only takes. He will never ever give you anything. Except a death sentence.