Do I Really Want to Recover?

If you ask someone who has an eating disorder if they want to recover they will always say yes.  It’s a shit place to be in.  Your mind is occupied with food, weight, when, why, where, who and how.  It’s emotionally and physically exhausting.  It drains your thoughts and it sucks the life out of your body.  Yes, as much as a sufferer wants to give it up, there is a bigger part that doesn’t want to.  That part of course is the Eating Disorder.

Because I am not all better, weight restored and in a better frame of mind, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to recover.  It means I’m trying.  It means I am in recovery.  I’m not recovered.  That is still something to be proud of.

I do want to get better.  I do want to continue down the path of recovery. But there are times when I don’t want it.  There are times when I want to throw in the towel and just go back to what I know.  To go back to what seems easy.  To stop fighting myself.  To stop fighting ED.  Fighting is hard and fighting is equally exhausting.  BUT…I have to remind myself of what is at the end of this fight.

If I throw in the towel and stop fighting, I will die.  An Eating Disorder will kill you.  Eventually.  Up to 20 percent of people with anorexia die from their disorder, making it the deadliest mental illness there is.  Bulimia and other eating disorders can also lead to life-threatening complications.  And in addition to physical complications, eating disorders often lead to psychological and social issues like depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem and withdrawal from family and friends.  These conditions don’t only affect those that suffer from them they affect those that care about them as well.

I have had therapists, dieticians, life coaches, nutritionists, forums, seminars, courses and so many other things to help me down my road to recovery.

What I’ve learned is that I was able to take a piece from each person I met, and turn it into my own recovery plan.  I am the one and only one who will be the answer to my prayers.  And the same goes for you.

You can go into an inpatient program, get weight restored and have all of the therapy in the world, but in the end you need to want to recover.  You need to want your life back.  Because that is what you get.

I think, no..I know that in the past I thought I wanted recovery.  But I wasn’t ready.  You have to really, really want it.

I am ready.  And I have been ready, working on it every single day.  I am ready because I am fighting so damn hard.  I am not giving in.  I am finding ways to cope, deal, manage and not let it win.

So even though ED is still present and trying hard to kick my ass, my answer is YES – I really do want to recover.

A website I have found to be quite helpful is this: http://www.mirror-mirror.org/eatdis.htm

The best resources for me are the ones that I can relate to.  You need to find what works for you – who you connect with and what makes sense to you.

Look at my life.  Incredible parents, amazing husband, fantastic brothers and sister in laws, perfect kids, loving friends, and an extended family that has always been there for me.  I’m lucky.  I’m blessed and I have everything I need to be happy.

So, as I continue my long road to recovery, my answer is Yes, and will be Yes until this blog is called Skeletons in My Closet – I am Recovered.

The most important thing I should note today, is that my son is 11.  11 years ago I became a mom.  The day my life became even better than it already was.

I know he doesn’t read this, but years down the road he likely will.

I have only one wish for your birthday.  To be happy.  You bring joy, love and happiness to my life and everyone around you.  You are caring, sweet, sensitive, thoughtful, outgoing, funny, smart, inquisitive and the most genuine boy I have ever met.  You deserve to be happy.  Every. Single. Day.  It is because of you that I am happy.  I love you more than anything in the world.  Happy Birthday TY!  XOXOXOX

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