A great line in the movie To The Bone is when Keanu Reeves tells his patients to yell “Fuck Off Voice” to their eating disorder. Seems crazy huh? How can we have another voice so strong that is able to get us to do things we don’t want to? But we do. Sometimes we can manage it and other times it becomes a disease. Sometimes it becomes an Eating Disorder.
I pride myself on being a strong, independent and motivated person. When I want something, I will stop at nothing to get it. And yet, this stupid, fucking illness has been in my life for over 20 years. To be honest I think a huge part of me was not ready to let it go. I thought I was ready but I really wasn’t. It became (as my best friend said to me yesterday) my claim to fame. It is who I was now. That was my identity and I was afraid to loose such a big part of me.
But fuck that claim to fame shit. I want to be known as the girl with the eating disorder who recovered. Who beat this illness. Who got better and lived her life.
Every day I have a milestone. Every day I recognize my achievements. To the outside world they are small. To me they are monumental.
I was at Walmart and was looking for gravol. I asked the pharmacist what aisle and she directed me to them. Oddly enough they were right beside the laxatives. I had the perfect opportunity to buy them and take them because I had complete freedom the following day. Why wouldn’t I take? It was a prefect recipe for me.
As I stood there staring at those poisonous pills I reminded myself of many things:
1. It will never be one more time.
2. One day will be the last time I take because they will eventually kill me.
3. It will rob me of a night with my kids.
4. I will be up all night and will be exhausted the next day.
5. I don’t want to take them. I don’t want to take them.
Fuck off voice.
I walked out of the aisle with gravol and only gravol.