Holy Shit! I’m Pregnant!!

Click bait. Sorry.

No. I’m not.

But….I was undressing last night. Cooper walked in and said “Mom, you look like you have a baby in your tummy.”

Fuck. I was already feeling so crappy about myself. At least I know the bloating isn’t in my head 🙂

But I didn’t do anything about it.

Today I had to go to the drug store.

I went down the laxative aisle. One  more time. Just one more time. I need to get rid of this feeling.

But I didn’t do anything about it.

For many reasons.  But let me explain to you what that moment feels like.

I know I didn’t want to buy them. ED tries to convince me I do. His force is so strong. Trying to tell me to do it and me trying to convince him to shut the fuck up. It’s amazing how powerful the mind is. It’s awful how powerful a mental illness is. You wish you could just switch it off, and you would think you could but that’s what makes it an illness and that’s why they call it recovery.

I left with what I needed. Laxatives not included in my purchase.

Lucky me, I get I sleep tonight.

I make cookies with Cooper. Tucked my kids in, made their lunch, folded laundry, took a bath and most importantly I will be ready early tomorrow morning to take Cooper to his first day of camp.

Yes, still bloated as fuck. But the things I get to do seem much more rewarding than getting ‘unbloated’. I also know what one more time means. It just simply means again.

So…as I get ready to tuck my kids in, I feel that once again I defeated ED. I could’ve bought. I could’ve taken. Wouldn’t have to be a lot because it’s been a while but I remember what I would loose out on.

As a side note. One of Rob’s friend lost his wife to cancer. She leaves behind her husband, parents, friends and two kids.

That can’t be my ending.

So I work hard at my new beginning.


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