Toughest Day In A Long Time

I don’t know why but today is a tough one.  Today is a day that I just want to throw in the towel and give in.  I know I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t.  It’s so hard to fight this tough battle.  Giving in seems like the easier option.  Like I’ve always said, not the right one, just the easy one.

But I can’t take the easy way out.  I need to fight it.

My body is changing.  It’s very difficult to have such a bloated, distended stomach.

It’s called edema.  Water retention.  It’s the number one side effect of laxative withdrawal.  A sick and twisted cruel joke.  Why did it have to be this?  The one thing someone suffering with an Eating Disorder hates is feeling full and bloated.  Why not bloat my ears?  That I could live with.  But I guess it’s the body’s way of protecting itself and teaching me a huge lesson in learning to trust it.

So I will trust it.  Another day.  I won’t give in, I  won’t give in, I won’t give in.  I know tonight will be hard as the evenings usually are – but tonight will be more difficult because of the way I’m feeling.  I haven’t felt this way since January.  I will trust my body, I will fight the urges so that I can have a restful sleep and a great day tomorrow with the family.  I have to remind myself of what I will get out of taking laxatives, but more importantly what I will get out of not taking laxatives.

Fight.  Fight.  Fight.

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