I have to vs I don’t want to

An Eating Disorder is powerful.  As you have probably guessed from my blog, it took full control of me many years ago and put negative thoughts that lead to negative actions which became my mental illness.  I am smart.  Intelligent.  Wise.

ED is strong.

There have been so many times when my thoughts are “I have to take laxatives tomorrow.”

The rational me thinks “Fuck, I don’t want to.  Damn it.  I wish I didn’t have to take.”

Think about that for a second.

I don’t want to take them.  I know better.  I don’t want to feel like shit.  I don’t want to end up in the bathroom for two days.  I don’t want to kill my insides.  But yet, I do.  Because ED is so strong that he manipulates me and convinces me that I would be better off if I just give in to him instead of fighting the urges.  I have learned that fighting is hard.  It is harder than giving in.  Not smarter, just easier.  Fighting takes strength, courage, and the will to live.

Giving in is just throwing in the towel, not thinking about it but just doing what seems like the easy way out.

Today is a perfect example.  I have been feeling really, really bloated (a very awful side effect of laxative withdrawal).  One the one hand I thought, just fucking take some laxatives and get this over with already.  But Lisa thought “I don’t want to.  It’s Friday tomorrow.  The weekend.  Time with my kids.  I don’t want to ruin it.”

ED enters: But than you won’t feel like shit anymore.  You will feel empty.  The feeling you love.  The feeling that gives you relief.

Lisa: The feeling will only last a day or two.  You will end up feeling bloated again in less than a week. If you don’t end this cycle, it won’t end.  You have to put a stop to it to end it.  Or it won’t end.  Ever.  I have to trust my body that it will do what it needs to go back to being normal.  To save it.  Because this feeling won’t last forever.  But if I keep taking laxatives I will be thinking like this forever.  And that is not okay.

So when you feel like you “have to” do something.  Think about what you “want to” do.  And go with what you want.  Don’t force yourself into thinking/acting/behaving/   anyway that doesn’t feel right.  You should never do what you don’t wan to.  If it isn’t what you want.  Don’t.  Fucking.  Do.  It!

Most importantly.

Happy Birthday Dad!

I luggies.

xoxoxox

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