Death and An Eating Disorder

My kids are the loves of my life.  They are my reason for being.  They make me happy every single moment of every single day.  They are inquisitive, fun and love me so much.  How many kids do you know will stop what they are doing when their mom comes home and ask how her day was at work?  In the morning, they will ask me how I slept?  After dinner ask if I enjoyed what I ate.  They love me that much.  They will hug me for no reason.  They will thank me for every little thing.  “Thanks mom for breakfast.”  That stuff you can’t teach.

These three little humans love me so much.  They rely on me so much.  They look up to me for guidance, snuggles and all of the funny stories about me when I was young.  I am such an important person to them.

People tell me to get better for them.  And like I’ve always said, I have to get better for me and they will reap the benefits.

If I don’t get better (like I said in my last post), they will end up burying their mother.  The thought of that is not something I can even fathom.  But it’s something I really have to think of.  Because it’s possible.  Although I am flabbergasted that my body has continued to survive after 20+ years of abuse – I have to know that at some point it won’t be able to handle it anymore.  My heart, my kidneys – everything will just shut down.  No warning.  My life will be over in an instant.  I will have lost everything.  And I have everything to loose.  And my kids will loose the mom who takes them to McDonald’s for the last day of school, the mom who sends notes on their first day of camp, the mom who cheers them on at baseball and basketball games, the mom who organizes Super Bowl parties for their friends, the mom who plans their birthdays as if it was a bar mitzvah, the mom who talks to them at night about their favourite part of the day and the mom who loves them more than anything in the world.  They would loose all of that.  Because of my mental illness.

The “nothing will happen to me” mentality is very common.  You think you are invincible.  I have always thought I’m invincible.  I’ve been doing this for so long and look nothing has happened.  But something will happen.  Something will eventually stop working.  And I will die.

My post yesterday is about choices.

I have chosen not to let ED rob me anymore.  He has stolen 20+ years from me.  My life and living my life is my choice.

There are so many more breakfasts to enjoy at McDonalds.


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