Moments I will never forget, and wish I could

I hate that my Eating Disorder has given me more bad memories than good ones.

When I think of my illness only negative things come to mind.

Here’s one.

Rob was going to Singapore on a business trip a couple of years ago.  It was early in the morning.  We all stood at the front door and said our goodbyes.  The kids were very sad.

When he left,  I told them that today was “The Day Of The Boys”.  They could stay in their pj’s, watch movies, eat junk, play on their electronics and vedge all day.  They were thrilled.

I would like to say part of me did that because they deserved it (which they did), but the reason I did that was so I could overdose on laxatives and be home.  Sadly I had the opportunity and I took full advantage of it.

The kids really did enjoy the day being lazy – but I imagine at some point they looked for me wondering where the hell I was.  Where else?  The fucking washroom.

That was a perfect day that I could’ve taken them out and done something fun together.

Or, that was the perfect day we could’ve been lazy and instead of being in the bathroom, I could’ve and should’ve been on the sofa, in my pj’s watching movies with them.

But ED took that away from me.  Again.

Tomorrow I am going to NYGH to take part in a study.

This is what it’s about:

Our study is looking to learn more about the experiences of patients with eating disorders in primary care, such as with their family physician. Participating in our study involves completing a short demographic questionnaire followed by a short (15 – 30 minute) interview. I will be asking you questions about the treatment you have received for your eating disorder in primary care. The only risk involved in completing the study is potential discomfort, as the questions address topics that some individuals find sensitive. 

I will be open and honest.  The care I have received is pathetic and lame.  Not because of my doctor – she really has tried.  But because of the health care system that told me I was too underweight to be admitted to an Eating Disorders program.  I was also told that Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses.  So, you won’t take me into your program because I don’t weigh enough and in the same breath you tell me that I’m at a high risk for committing suicide.  Makes sense doesn’t it?

So, I will be sure to voice these concerns.  Will it change anything?  Who knows.  But I am going to do my best to take this disease and try and change something about it.  Maybe not now.  But as I move towards the finish line I will do my best to change it so that nobody else suffers for 20+ years – or even one year.  Even a minute is too long to live with this awful disease.

And as you read the suicide part – fear not.  As strong as ED is, he will never – ever – ever take hold of me and lead me down that path.  I will recover before he would get that control.  I have so much to live for and know that would never be an option.  An Eating Disorder is like a merry go round that you can’t get off of.  But I will get off.

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