I’m an elephant

Today I wanted peanut butter.  I didn’t want to give it much thought like I normally do.

I grabbed a spoon, sat on the sofa with Cooper and we shared a bunch of licks like I use to do.  After I put it away, I’ll be honest – I thought “What the fuck did I just do?”

Than I really thought about it, “I did exactly what I wanted to do and it was normal.  It was great.  I was being kind to myself.”

Not a big deal.  Peanut butter.  I had to step back and realize, it’s just peanut butter!  I cannot make big things out of little things.  I take these small unimportant daily actions that should be second nature and I magnify the hell out of them until they become an issue.  Well, it’s ED doing that.

So I didn’t.  Peanut butter.  Spoon.  Cooper.  Fun.  That’s all it was.

A great friend who I use to spend countless weekends with, bar hopping and drinking ourselves silly reached out to me today.  She was a huge part of my teenage years and we had such a blast with our mutual best friend.  The three of us had the best times.  Laughing ourselves sick and going out until the wee hours of the morning.  Every.  Single.  Weekend.

Member these DS?

Dinner for one?

Hiccup.  Burp.  Fart.  Yell.  Piss.  Diarrhea.  Constipation.

Oh, to be young again.

She told me that she has been following my journey and is cheering for my success.

When that happens, it means the world to me.  To know people from the present care about me is wonderful.  Having people from the past who I haven’t seen in 10+ years contact me is amazing.  I’m glad my voice is being heard.  People tell me I’m brave for sharing my story.  Truth is, my disorder was impossible to hide.  When you loose 30lbs in 6 months people notice.  But – I decided to do something with it.  Not hide behind the illness.  To shame ED.  And to bring awareness so other people don’t feel alone.  Many people have reached out saying they don’t talk about it and their friends and family don’t know about their struggles.  If I’m the one ear they have – I’ll be an elephant to the world.

So, DS – thank you for your support, encouragement, friendship and for making me laugh every Saturday night at Shark City.

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