I had opportunity.
I had motive.
My boss is away for a few days and I felt like crap last night. Yesterday I was beyond bloated, full and uncomfortable. I could’ve taken and felt like shit today at my desk. Alone. Perfect scenario for me.
It was tough last night. Very, very tough. The urges I’ve talked about were strong. I almost gave myself permission to just say “Fuck it and do it one more time. To get rid of that feeling. To get it over with already and stop thinking about it so much.”
Did you read that? I “almost” gave myself permission. But I didn’t.
I woke up this morning with the intent not to go buy them. Part of me wondered how many I would have to take. It’s been 15 days. So my body is pretty clear of them. I thought 5 or 10 would do the trick. But I also thought: Lisa, if you do take, you are going to end up feeling like this again in 15 days. It won’t end, unless you end it. So trust. Have faith in your body to take care of it and please don’t go to Walmart.
I did have to go to Shoppers to get stamps this morning.
I didn’t buy.
Tonight is my son’s BBQ for his baseball team. Likely I would have to miss it if I took. What pathetic excuse would I give my sweet 9 year old for missing something that he looks so forward to sharing with me.
No feeling in the world would ever replace that. So I would have to feel full and bloated. But my son would be happy. My answer was obvious.
I decided to have faith in my body.
When I woke up I wasn’t bloated. I wasn’t full. My body did exactly what I’ve been told it will do. It will take care of me.
And so today, I take care of my body.
Laxative free and looking forward to the BBQ.