What do I want to be?

The girl with an Eating Disorder or the girl who recovered from an Eating Disorder?

Obviously, I want to be the latter.

People look at me now and think Eating Disorder.  Poor Lisa.  She’s struggling and has struggled for so long.  Awww, sad.

Isn’t that awful?  I know people think I’m strong for trying so hard to get over this, for putting my feelings out there for everyone to read about – but in terms of the actual disorder  – I’m weak.  ED is a force to be reckoned with.  He’s strong, powerful and much bigger than the person suffering.

The key to recovery is to become bigger than him.  To get rid of the monster that lives inside of you.  And he’s a HUGE monster.  The devil.

I know that one day people will look at me differently.  They will recognize that I use to have an Eating Disorder and I beat it.  I recovered.  I no longer deal with the demons that poisoned my life for over two decades.

The scariest and hardest part of recovery is being told that it will always live with you in some capacity.  You will just learn how to deal and cope with the urges, temptations and thoughts.  That fucking sucks.  I don’t want it to occupy any part of my life.  I want it gone forever.  I don’t want to give ED any part of my life – he doesn’t deserve it.  And I think this is a huge reason why many people aren’t able to recover.  You think, “Well, if I’m going to live with this forever, why bother giving it up?  It’s a hard battle to win so I’ll just keep doing what I know and what I’ve become so good at.”

Nope – not me.

If I have that attitude, I will end up being buried by my family.

My body cannot handle this forever.

My mind cannot handle this forever.

I don’t want to handle this forever.

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