Working so hard at being someone with an Eating Disorder

It’s amazing how much work goes into having an Eating Disorder.

The stress to be as small as you can be, the stress to eat certain things, the stress to not eat certain things, the stress, the stress and more stress.

I trained myself to have a set of rules and I felt that I had to validate myself by following these rules and being the best I can possible be at having an Eating Disorder.  If I was good at it, I was successful.  I achieved the goals I set out for myself.

But what do these rules mean exactly?

All they did was give me an illness.  A disorder.  And it has caused me pain, anxiety, hurt, sadness, confusion and to become someone that I am not meant to be.  Those qualities are not ones that I am known for.

I am happy, outgoing, funny, loving, loyal, dedicated, caring, thoughtful, and have a zest for life.  But this disorder created rules for me to follow that lead me down a path where of a disorder that I have been working so hard at perfecting.  And I perfected it alright.

I have often said that recovery is so difficult.  And it is.  Very difficult.  You are trying to rewire your fucked up brain.  You know right from wrong.  You know what you are doing is slowly killing you, but ED’s voice can be louder than yours.

Although recovery is difficult, an Eating Disorder is way more difficult.  The amount of stress you put on yourself and the time taken away from you being happy is a million times more difficult.

The easy road is not quitting and giving up on recovery.  The easy road is quitting and becoming recovered so that you can live again in peace.  When you can take a big sigh of relief and know that ED’s voice is quiet and you are not working on your Eating Disorder but working on your life.  That is where you should focus all of your energy.  Your life deserves that attention.  Not ED.  He deserves to be non-existent.

ED doesn’t deserve to be worked on.  He deserves nothing.

 

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