The gifts given to me by ED

What is has made me do

Once I cut up an apple and sprinkled cinnamon on it. I looked at the back to see how many calories were in cinnamon.

Counting. I was so use to counting the amount of sips I took when I drank. I knew 6 or more would change the number on the scale.

Taking laxatives by the handful.  In order to maximize my time, I started taking them 18 at a time. As the number increased I would take 25 at a time. Meaning I would put 25 in my hand and swallow them all at once. That cycle would continue until I reached the amount of laxatives I wanted to take that day.

What it has given me is an opportunity to kick its ass.  I don’t want to give a fuck how many calories are in cinnamon or anything else for that matter. I don’t want to lie to my kids about being in bed all day because I have a tummy ache. I don’t want to go into Walmart and hide boxes of laxatives at the bottom of my cart because I’m worried about bumping into someone I know. I also don’t want the pharmacist to ask me why I’m buying so many and for me to say I work in a nursing home and buy them for our patients. Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t have ever let me bought them. But I also don’t want anyone to make decisions for me. ED has been doing that far too long. I need to want it. And I need to do it.

I want to decide for myself.

And I have decided I don’t give a rats ass how many calories are in cinnamon.

 

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