Yesterday was brutal. I felt like crap.
Bloated beyond belief. I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. I was afraid. Tempted. I thought it was going to be “one of those days.”
But it wasn’t. I had a tough day, but I got through it.
While I was feeling awful I was so angry that this disease would allow me to feel like this. Feeling so down in the dumps is just terrible.
BUT – there was a silver lining to all of this. When I was lying in bed at night thinking of the day, and how it was so difficult I actually smiled. Having such a hard day sucks, don’t get me wrong, but it’s a good thing really. It means I am trying. I am working. I am doing my very, very best to recover. If I wasn’t having a bad day, I would give in to temptation and not deal with the physical and emotional issues that surround this illness. Having a very bad, hard, difficult day means I am fighting the demons and not letting them win. If I let them win it wouldn’t be a bad day. I wouldn’t focus on my bloated stomach. I would know that I could take care of it with a quick fix. Not a good fix, but I do know how to relieve myself of that pain and pressure.
But the cycle would continue and my life would be an Eating Disorder. One more time as I surely know doesn’t exist.
So, as I had a shit day yesterday, I woke up feeling so proud of myself.
If I have another bad day today – I will remind myself that bad days are what will lead me to good, healthy, stronger happier days. It’s a fight between me and ED. Soon enough he will be the one having the bad days because his voice will no longer be heard. And that is what he thrives on.