Eating Disorders are about secrecy. Lying.
It is extremely hard to let people in.
But I did. I do. Every day here and in real life.
Today I did something big. I have been wanting to tell Rob something for so long. He has often asked me questions, and when I am not truthful, I know he knows the truth. But he never pushes me. He accepts what I say. He has been living with this and knows how to manage me.
And it has worked. Because I came around when I was ready to be honest.
He always asked why I would bring so much water upstairs. Why was the coffee machine running. Why was I boiling water all night…
The truth is…I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day and at night I will have a green tea to help with digestion. But I was running hot water like it was going to be scarce any moment. I was bringing thermos after thermos to the washroom to help me vomit. I have told you that I did that in the past when I tried the TGH program – really helped huh…got some useful tips there. Ugh.
I never wanted to tell Rob. For two reasons:
- I was embarrassed.
- The biggest one – If I brought hot water upstairs he would now know. And I would not be able to engage in that behavior. So, by me opening up, I am telling him I do not do it, I will not do it. And I am accountable for my actions. Letting him in, brings him into my world and makes me feel more in control of knowing that I am reaching out to people in an attempt to stop the behaviour.
Being honest has helped me in such a big way today. It brought Rob a little closer to my old life (to understand it) and it has brought me closer to my new life.