Letting Rob In

Eating Disorders are about secrecy.  Lying.

It is extremely hard to let people in.

But I did.  I do.  Every day here and in real life.

Today I did something big.  I have been wanting to tell Rob something for so long.  He has often asked me questions, and when I am not truthful, I know he knows the truth.  But he never pushes me.  He accepts what I say.  He has been living with this and knows how to manage me.

And it has worked.  Because I came around when I was ready to be honest.

He always asked why I would bring so much water upstairs.  Why was the coffee machine running.  Why was I boiling water all night…

The truth is…I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day and at night I will have a green tea to help with digestion.  But I was running hot water like it was going to be scarce any moment.  I was bringing thermos after thermos to the washroom to help me vomit.  I have told you that I did that in the past when I tried the TGH program – really helped huh…got some useful tips there.  Ugh.

I never wanted to tell Rob.  For two reasons:

  1. I was embarrassed.
  2. The biggest one – If I brought hot water upstairs he would now know.  And I would not be able to engage in that behavior.  So, by me opening up, I am telling him I do not do it, I will not do it.  And I am accountable for my actions.  Letting him in, brings him into my world and makes me feel more in control of knowing that I am reaching out to people in an attempt to stop the behaviour.

Being honest has helped me in such a big way today.  It brought Rob a little closer to my old life (to understand it) and it has brought me closer to my new life.

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