The date is incorrect for some reason. This was written on May 11, 2015 when I was suppose to go into the Eating Disorders day program at TGH which as we know turned out to be a complete and utter failure. Not on my part. It was not going to help me. It in fact taught me how to purge through vomiting. So, I got out before I got myself into more trouble.
Wow, two years ago my “journey” started. Two fucking years.
I know they say this is a long process, but fuck. Two years?
I have recently found several of the diaries I use to keep in my 20’s. It was so promising to see myself chronicle my “recovery” back than. Congratulating myself on two weeks, three weeks, 6 weeks, 5 months, a year etc…I know I can fucking do it. I know I can. I can and I will. I must.
Why is it taking so much time this time around? Why was I able to give it up so quickly last time? Why is he lingering around? I honestly believe because I wanted to have kids, I put the issues on the back burner and just gave it up. I didn’t deal with it because I had a different goal in mind. Now that the Eating Disorder came back, this time I have to confront it and deal with it so that I never, ever end up having ED in my life again once he gets the fuck out. This time I mean business. I cannot give it up cold turkey. I have to deal with it day by day and minute by minute. And I am. Learning how to cope and deal with better tools.
I’ll be honest. There are days (even like today) when I just want to give in to the temptation. It seems easier. It’s not smarter, it’s not healthier – it’s nothing positive. But to someone like me, it just seems easier to give in than to fight it. But I do. I fight so hard with everything I have to not let him convince me of that gd awful stupid bullshit.
ED tries to convince me that taking laxatives is easier than fighting off his demons. So lying on the washroom floor, spending hours on the toilet and potentially throwing up from ingesting so many laxatives is easier? That’s easier? Seriously ED? Do you think I’m a fucking moron? I will not believe the stupidity you try and convince me of. To sleep at night, spend time with my kids and live – that’s easier. That’s life.
Sorry, mom for all the swearing.