Thank you for your questions.
Here is one I got several times.
What do you miss most about your “old life?”
I would have to say I’m doing my very best to live my life and be present. I work at it every single day and I am spend time doing what I love with those that I love.
I think it’s easier to tell you what I don’t miss about ED – because my “old life” is more of my new life.
Here is what I DO NOT MISS FROM MY ED LIFE
- Wasting money on boxes of laxatives
- The mathematical calculation of how many I should take
- Taking the laxatives
- Waiting for the laxatives to kick in and praying they do work
- Being nauseous and immediately tired (this side effect became more and more prominent as I increased my quantity)
- Spending countess hours in the washroom
- Sleeping on the floor
- Restless nights
- Seeing my body the next morning
- Being incredibly dehydrated
- Throwing up
- Missing work
- Missing plans
- Missing out on doing absolutely nothing
- When my clothes are so incredibly baggy that I’m embarrassed to leave the house
- Hiding from people because I don’t want them to see me
- Being scared to eat
- Eating the same thing every day (I’m getting better at introducing new things). Even when I think people don’t notice they do. Rob made a comment how I ate smoked meat the other night. And I didn’t give it a second thought. That’s the key. Not giving it a second thought. ED doesn’t deserve a first thought, let alone a second thought.
- Having my head so full of drama
- The constant thoughts and fights with myself
Look back at that list. It’s exhausting.
Instead of all of that bullshit, I would rather be sitting on the sofa watching TV with my kids. Playing baseball in the backyard. Grocery shopping and letting them shove their faces full of free samples.
So that list represents what I don’t miss.
My old life (pre-laxatives and when I was on my 10 year break), is resurfacing. When I don’t allow ED to win, I allow my “old life” to win.
Tonight, I was talking to my parents. I told them that I should’ve been a drug or sex addict. An Eating Disorder is all about appearances – which is unfortunate. I’ve always said that recovery works from the top down. As my head clears everything else falls into place. I know you worry when you look at my arms or my legs. But, a look into my mind would honestly give you some relief. Please trust me on that.