Thank you for sending in your questions.
I will address two that seemed to come up the most.
Do you think you are fat? When you look at yourself what do you see?
No. I know I’m not fat. I know I need to gain weight. I know that I should have an ass, boobs and not have to wear only leggings because I don’t’ fit into my old clothes properly. I certainly understand that. And to be honest, that’s a great thing. It would be a million times worse for me, if my mind convinced me that I needed to be here and stay here. But because I know this, I am able to try and get my way through recovery with clearer thoughts.
When I’m around other people I really see the difference. When I look in my eyes, on a day like today I see happiness. They are bright, cheery and feeling good. I love days like today.
It is very hard to see yourself the way other people see you when you live in your skin every day. So although I know I am NOT fat, it is difficult for me to see what you see. But don’t get me wrong – I know that weight gain is a must!
Why is recovery so hard? What is your biggest challenge?
Recovery is hard because an Eating Disorder takes up so much of your life. Your thoughts, feelings and emotions become so focused on your illness. The mind is such a powerful thing and it eventually begins to take over how you function on a day to day basis. For people such as myself that have been struggling for quite some time it makes it even more difficult because I have been fighting this for so long it makes it harder to just “turn it off”. You also identify with the disorder, You find comfort in it. It becomes a coping mechanism and almost a way to relieve stress and do something that you become so good at it gives you a sense of satisfaction.
My biggest challenge is giving it up as my coping mechanism. So I have found other ways to deal in stressful situations or when I simply want to go to comfort. Read a book, go for a walk, play with my kids – anything that gets my mind off doing something that will end up punishing me for 48 hours.