…wouldn’t it be nice if praised ourselves once in a while.
This journey called recovery is hell on earth. I wish it was a day by day type of thing, but it’s more like a second by second path. Because it has consumed so much of my life, recovery is magnified ever more so.
But, what I have found is that when I have a relapse or a slip up, I completely beat myself up over it. I feel as if all of the work I have done has been for nothing. It feels like I am starting all over again.
Today. I was having a very hard day. As my body adjusts to life without laxatives, it comes with terrible side effects. Terrible to someone with an eating disorder. You are constipated and bloated. The two things that lead me down this path. The problem is that I know how to get rid of that – easily, Well, I say easily but we all know that the two days following my “solution” are not easy at all.
But I know how to band-aid the feeling and get rid of it. All it takes is a quick trip to the drugstore and some planning on my part. Today was especially hard. Really difficult. My stomach was in pain along with the severe abdominal puffiness.
I came home after work, made dinner for my kids. We took the dog for a walk, had showers and watched the Raptors Game. What I try to remind myself time and time again is to trust my body. Trust that it won’t stay like that forever. Trust that it will look out for me and trust that it will work properly again. I owe it at least that much.
And as I sit at the computer with a cup of coffee, my stomach is still bloated – but definitely less bloated. And I’m not in the bathroom. I will be able to sleep tonight.
So I did nothing about it. But I did everything about it. I didn’t act on my temptations. I didn’t give into ED. Instead, I was able to spend MY time doing what I wanted. And it’s freeing. There is a sense of calm when I don’t have to plan out the next 48 hours in order to make myself feel some temporary relief after going through awful, horrible, excruciating pain.
So I need to congratulate myself for this milestone. For talking myself out of it. For not allowing ED to win. For being me. For being Lisa.