This is a question I get often.
People wonder why I’m so open and candid on my blog, but don’t disclose this information in person.
Two reasons really.
- This is the easiest way for me to get my feelings out. I’ve always been best at putting pen to paper (or in this day and age, finger to keyboard) and expressing myself through writing. I don’t always get out what I want to say “live”. It’s also easier to do it at your own pace when you do it privately. Once you open up to people you are inviting them in and should you choose to end the conversation at a certain point, it’s often hard to just say “Okay, I’m done – that’s it for today.”
- I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I hate this part of my life and often don’t want to talk about it because it allows ED to exist. I know he does – trust me I know he does! He’s (unfortunately) a huge part of my life, but I try not to talk about him, because I spend so much time thinking about him – I need to try and make him not seem as real. The more focus and energy I give him, the more he lives. So when I talk about him with others, it gives him facetime that he doesn’t deserve. I do talk – bits and pieces. I know my friends and family are always there for me no matter what, no matter when, forever and always. But at some point they must want to put their hands around my throat and tell me to just get better. I don’t blame them. I want to do the same thing. So by talking about it, it keeps going and going and going. I need to make it stop and talking allows him to keep going.
Please don’t think I don’t trust you, don’t love you or don’t want you to know what’s going on. I do – and that is why I write this blog. But I often don’t share because I want to make my life about everything else. I want to make ED seem like the smaller part of Lisa and the fun, exciting, terrific, wonderful daily things more the part of Lisa that you all know and love.
You are all incredible people that I am so lucky to have in my life. I know I can count on each and every one of you for anything at anytime of the day. And for this reason, I will continue the fight, continue to get better because support is the most important part of recovery.