I’m Not Not Trying

To some people it looks like I’m full of excuses.

To some people it looks like I don’t want to get better.

To some people it looks like I will die from my Eating Disorder because I am going to let it win.

Let me explain something.  I am trying my ass off.  I read about it, make calls about it, research it, speak to people daily and spend a large majority of my day thinking about recovery.  It is at the front of my mind 95% of the day.  Because I want it.  It is just so fucking hard to achieve with the limited resources we have.

There are professionals who deal with Eating Disorders, but most of them have either read about it or studied it.  Unless you have lived it, you will never, ever be able to get inside the head of someone suffering.  This is to no fault of their own.  And this is why, when I AM better – I will become a voice and someone that will help people recover.

The nutritionists and dieticians are similar.  They work with people who are in a food deficit to try and help increase their calorie intake.  Makes sense of course but it has to be at a realistic pace.  Otherwise you are setting the patient up for failure.  To have me come in the first week and increase my menu by 400 calories with foods that I haven’t eaten in years, WILL NOT HAPPEN.  You have to listen to me.  Don’t tell me to eat a baked potatoe, rice or fast food.  Tell me to include peanut butter (something I love and would love).  Tell me to eat some jube jubes as a snack – not a piece of chocolate cake (I don’t enjoy that).  You have to listen.  Slow, baby steps are what works.  So that is what I have been doing on my own.

The therapy has helped.  Every session I have had, I have learned something.  I have listened, I have taken it in and I have tried putting it into action.  It’s the action part.  That’s the “stuck” part.  It’s the hump.  The last hump.  The action and reward phase that I’m trying to achieve.  Basically the end.

I have the tools, it’s just me finishing it up and putting ED to rest for good.

So, when you think I’m doing nothing and not trying to get better – please know, you are wrong.  I am.  All day.  Every day.  And ask me.  Talk to me.  I am an open book.

If I could snap my fingers and make this end, trust me –  I would.  But, I have been suffering for so long.  Recovery is a slow painful process.  But as long as I’m trying, I am getting better.

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