The worst thing about an Eating Disorder is the secrecy. The lying. Feeling alone.
You isolate yourself because nobody could ever understand what you are going through. It’s impossible to grasp the fight you have with yourself every single day. I wouldn’t want anyone to understand it. It’s awful.
But it’s a fight I continue to have and a fight I will have until I win.
But, I need to be accountable. To my friends, family, kids, husband and doctors – yes. I am. But not the way I should be.
I have done research for many weeks and months during my journey to get help (as you know) and it is really hard. Difficult to find something you are excited about. Difficult to find someone you connect with. Difficult to find someone that will work with you and not force things too quickly on you. That was the problem at TGH. It was basically a food fest. Come in and just eat. Keep eating until you put on weight. That certainly was not the right approach for me. It had to be slow and gradual.
I have met with many people, talked to many people and finally found someone that I connected with. I am starting her program today. It is all virtual. She lives in Jersey. I found her in some literature about Eating Disorder recovery and began following her on Instagram. I reached out last week, we began emailing and had a phone call today.
Her program is based on providing me with a meal plan and an appropriate exercise plan (to get strong!!!) that will make me get well and feel better. She does weekly check in’s through assessments, photos, phone calls and I get access to her community of clients who many have been where I have been.
She will be my new bff as I begin the next phase of recovery – hopefully the end of it. It’s there. It’s not in arms reach just yet, but I can see it in the distance. I will fight and fight and fight and continue the fight until I can become a voice, an inspiration and someone that looks back at this awful disease as a horrible part of my life that sculpted me into someone bigger, stronger and healthier.
Here is my new bestie:
By the way, when you look at her website, understand I am not doing the “fitness” approach. She trains women for shows and bikini contests. That is a big part of her regime, but that’s not all of it. She has worked with many, many girls suffering with Eating Disorders and has a ton of experience treating people such as myself. But her website shows these stunning pictures of her amazing physique, because let’s be honest….having photos of women that are underweight and trying to promote weight gain is not as common or as appealing. So fear not – I am working with someone who gets my shtick.
To the next chapter of my story…..