Everyone has been extremely loving and caring during the loss of my dear, sweet dog Lois Lane. It has been awful and certainly plays havoc on your emotions.
Many people called me to offer their condolences, followed by “Don’t slip. Don’t let this set you back.”
It is my go to place. It is my coping mechanism. I don’t think I’m fat. I don’t think I’m ugly. I don’t think everyone hates me. Hell, I don’t hate me. But my eating disorder is about comfort and solace in the familiar. When I don’t want to deal with what is in front of me, I turn to laxatives. That’s one part of it. The other is the addiction. So, I’m fighting two demons. The physical and the emotional.
You would think it’s weird to turn to laxatives when you don’t want to feel pain. Loosing a pet rips your heart apart and leaves a huge void in your life. The solution? Overdose on laxatives and continue the horrible feelings instead of dealing with them. That’s just plain stupid. I need to accept what is in front of me and deal with it the way most people do. Because the truth is, when all is said and done after a laxative binge – those feelings, emotions and thoughts will still be there. Lois will be gone and I will have tortured my body. Nothing has gotten any better. Or easier. In fact, I have made it worse.
It’s very hard to fight with yourself and try and convince yourself of right from wrong when you know exactly what is right. It’s ED who is wrong, always wrong but wants to invite you into his little fucked up world.
What I can say is that I continue to fight. I continue to remind myself of the wonderful life I have in front of me right now and the wonderful life I have ahead of me. I will do what I need to so that I cross the finish line. It’s there. In the distance. Far away – but it’s there. I will reach it and I will look back one day at this disorder as a painful memory in my past as I live the life I am suppose to.
Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful notes of support during this horrible, sad, terrible, awful time. Lois was my superhero.