Chai

18- Chai. Life. Good luck. A very, very meaningful number. And today represents 18 days of being laxative free. Have I wanted to take? You bet. But I haven’t let ED thoughts turn into actions.

It’s amazing how little things can make such a huge impact on my life and choices.
Here are two examples.
1. When Michael left Florida on Monday I was extremely tempted to take Tuesday. I was feeling bloated and uncomfortable and I knew the easiest way to resolve that. Easy yes. The right thing? No. But ED does not distinguish right from wrong. He does what he wants. In my head I was mapping Tuesday out. I hadn’t decided that I would for sure take, but it was pretty damn close. The great thing about that, is in the past I have a period when I think about taking and when the decision is made, there is no turning back. It was often a short process. The switch goes off and it’s game over. That process has gotten longer, giving me more time to think logically. My parents and I dropped him off at the airport. As we said goodbye Michael gave me a huge hug and said “I’m proud of you Lex!”. That ‘small’ comment changed everything. I told ED to fuck off so I could continue recovery.
2. The second was while I flew home today. All by myself like a big girl :). For someone who hates flying probably more than wearing a turtleneck, travelling alone was quite an accomplishment for me. I was listening to music and going through my pictures from the past week. The song STAND BY YOU (Rachel Platten) came on as I scrolled by the picture attached below. If you know me, you know that the single most important thing to me is my family and friends. To have such a special few days with my family, the ones who have have struggled with me yet continue to support and STAND BY ME was priceless. I want to be proud of myself first and foremost, but this moment on the plane reminded me that I have everything I need to get better. By everything I mean support. That is all you need to get through hell. Any hell. If you have support you can conquer anything in the world.

Am I scared to be home? To be in familiar surroundings where I engage in ED behaviour? Yes. I sure am. I told my parents I was afraid to go home. When you are in different surroundings, your mind is able to alter itself somehow. Being on vacation came at a perfect time.
But I have such wonderful reasons to go home. And they will all be waiting for me at the airport. I will know that my work is for great reasons.

So, for me 18 signifies the beginning of life. L’Chaim to me!image

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