I’ve only been fooling myself

Trying to give up an addiction is hard.  It is the hardest obstacle I have ever had to deal with.  It makes me so sad to even have to admit that I have an addiction.  You think drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex (Rob wishes), and other substances.  Who would think that someone would be able to get addicted to laxatives?  It’s weird – but I’m proof that it’s possible.  Whether or not it’s the physical or mental aspect, it’s an addiction.  On days when there is absolutely no need for me to take them, I still would because I felt I “had” to.

A lot of people have talked about weaning me off of them.  That’s not an option.  Weaning doesn’t work.  For me.  I have proven before that I can stop cold turkey and I also believe that by weaning myself off, each and every time I take, I am still getting the “benefits” of laxatives so I’m tempting myself back in.

Cold turkey.  That’s the way to go.  That’s the only way for me.  I have tried to talk other people into believing that I was getting better.  It wasn’t a lie – it was what I was trying to do.  But, in the back of my mind I always knew it wasn’t happening.  That was ED back there.  Always trying to remind me of this wonderful life he could provide me with.

It’s been over 2.5 years since he returned.  Since that day when I convinced myself it would only be one time.  I knew it wouldn’t be.  I welcomed ED back with open arms.

I know we are only 3 days into 2017 – but I`m feeling better than I have in a while.  Mentally.  And it`s gotta start somewehre right?

I`m not fooling you or you or you or you.  At the end of the day, it`s about me doing this for one person and one person only.  ME.  I don`t want to fool myself anymore.  I don`t want ED to make me cave into his pressures.  I will not allow this to happen, not for another minute.  It does seem so weird that this imaginary, invisible thing has such control over me, a human being.  But the mind is a powerful thing.  It`s just a matter of getting it back and doing what I want to do.

I told my kids tonight:

`Guys, when you wake up, get dressed and brush your teeth – because I`m insisting that I take you out to breakfast before your program tomorrow.`

They were so excited.  Hugged me and said that I was the best.

That`s what I live for.  I have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities that I will never get back.  So I take control now and take advantage of each and every minute.

Like my dad said to me tonight: Enjoy your life.

 

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