Today would’ve been the perfect day.
The perfect day to go to Walmart and buy boxes of laxatives.
I wasn’t working. The kids are at a program all day. Rob is out and M has the day off. A perfect, perfect recipe for disaster. I couldn’t plan a more perfect day for ED.
But I didn’t. I didn’t take them.
Why? Because it’s 2017 and I said I wouldn’t bring ED into this year.
It was tough. It was hard. It was difficult. It was trying. It was tempting. It was triggering.
It’s now 2:21pm – far too late in the day to take. If I did, I would be sick well into the evening and definitely tomorrow when I have to go back to work. That’s not to say I would never take this late, because when ED takes over he finds a way for me to works things out and manipulate any situation I need to. But I won’t. I said I wouldn’t bring him with me. He is not welcome.
I woke up this morning, make my kids a nice hot breakfast, sat with them while I drank my coffee. Met my friend at the gym for a strength class. Walked around the mall doing some window shopping. Had my bracelet repaired at Tiffany. Went to the grocery store. Came home – made lunch. Cleaned out the kids cupboards and will soon be getting ready for my massage appointment at 3:30pm.
What a complete 360 from where I “could’ve” been today. It would’ve gone something like this.
Go to Walmart. Hide the laxatives in my purse until I get to the checkout in case I bump into anyone I know. Go home, sit at the computer and spend the next hour taking my usual dose of laxatives. Wait about an hour or two until I would have to lie in bed because the nausea hits me like a tons of bricks. Spend the next ?? hours in bed, in the washroom, in bed, in the washroom etc. It would creep into Tuesday and likely Wednesday, but because I am so accustomed to this, I would manage to find a way to function as best as I can. I only have a few days left at work so in my mind, I wouldn’t really give a shit if I was disappearing to the washroom or hiding in another office.
Now, look at those two scenarios. Complete opposite days.
I’ll be completely honest and tell you that my stomach feels crampy and bloated. This is part and parcel with recovery and going off a substance addiction of laxatives. It sucks because I know how I can rectify that. Take laxatives. It would make that feeling go away. But all of the other awful, horrible feelings it brings on are far worse. So I take the bloat, I take the cramps and I look at how I have been spending my day vs how I could’ve spent my day.
I have had a lot more fun, been more productive and I don’t have to stress about not being able to get out of bed to pick up my kids after their program because I am too nauseous to move. I look forward to their smiling faces and hearing about the great day they had. In turn, they will hear all about mine.
What a nice refreshing change.
Now, if you’ll excuse me – I have a massage to get to.