What I have learned

I’ve been reading a lot, watching a lot, listening a lot and thinking a lot.

There is a whole world out there of people suffering.  With many different mental illnesses.  Eating Disorders are huge.  I didn’t realize how big.  It is everywhere and comes in so many different forms.  Restricting, binging, purging, dieting, but most harmful are the constant mind games.  It’s amazing how strong and powerful your head is.  It really controls everything.  No matter what you know in your heart, it always wins.  It’s a fight.  A struggle.

An interesting video I watched last night was about a girl who said that she was going to allow herself to eat whatever and however much she wanted because it was her birthday.  She had “permission” to purge it all up.  She deserved it.  It’s her birthday after all.

She was using her Eating Disorder as a “reward”.  It was a special day for her so she allowed herself to do the one thing in the world that, to her, brought her a sense of calm.  But does it really do that?  In the moment, you think it does because it’s familiar and somewhat comforting.  But everything that leads up to it and after it is pure and utter hell.  So, how the fuck is that a reward?

How about going for a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, lunch with a friend, a long walk, read a book, put your feet up and watch some movies you have wanted to catch up on?  Those are rewards.

I’ve learned that the world of Eating Disorders is much bigger than I thought.

What I’ve also learned is that I don’t want to be part of that world.

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