I was thinking of Vlogging.
I have been following several people that are attempting to recover from their Eating Disorders. I watch it to learn, listen and understand the disease.
I know eventually I want to write a book, public speak and am currently working on a documentary so I need to be sure I have as much knowledge about it as possible.
I thought VLOGGING would be another vehicle to get my message out. But the more I watch other videos, the more it angers and upsets me.
There is one young woman in particular I have been watching. She is 32 years old, married and has had an eating disorder since she was 5 years old. Yes, you read that correctly. 5! She is severely bulimic (I don’t know how you define severely from moderately – but the fact that she binges and purges all day and has had numerous teeth pulled would qualify her as a severe case). She is open, honest and candid about her disease. She is attempting recovery, has had long periods of doing well but unfortunately recently after 13 days ended up binging and purging. She came on camera to talk about how disappointed she was with herself and tried to work through why she ended up doing it. It’s heartbreaking.
She also recorded footage when she had her teeth pulled. She certainly doesn’t glamorize it, but I did feel that she didn’t take it quite as seriously as she should’ve. She did start a GOFUNDME page and was able to raise over $2,000 towards the dental fees and an anonymous donor also gave over $30,000!!!! for her to utilize for medical costs. What upsets me about it is that even after she had the procedures and was in agonizing pain and promised to never, ever do it again – she continues to binge and purge. Trust me, I get it. The wrath of an eating disorder cannot be explained or understood but imagine being one of those people that donated money towards helping her recover and than seeing her behaviours continue. It’s at that time that you know you have to do more. You have to be somewhere full time. You need to make it right and get well. I know, I’m one to talk. Someone I think (and I’m sure others do to) – I should practice what I preach. The truth is – I just want to see her well.
I am guilty too of making light of my situation. Often people manage conflict with humour. But there is pain in laughter. You figure, if I can’t make fun of myself – who can. It’s definitely not something to “make fun of” – but that’s how a lot of people cope. So maybe the YouTuber that I mentioned finds it easier to put some humour into her videos. Truth is, people can relate to her better if she is more human. I just find it painful to watch. And quite honestly she is being truthful. So who am I to judge? She is living it, talking about it and being open, honest and candid. When most people live in secrecy, she is doing the opposite.
So, as much as I would like to VLOG – I am not ready to be completely out there. This way I get to choose who sees me and for now, that’s what I need.