Why? Why? Why?
People on the outside must wonder why? Why would someone want to do this to themself? Who in their right mind would intentionally torture their mind and their body?
ED would. And he does. To millions of people.
The pain, the anguish, the hurt, the confusion, the loneliness, the fear, the physical effects, the lying, the lack of control and the loss of living your life to the fullest are all of the wonderful things that ED brings into your life. There are no ifs and or buts about it. Nothing positive comes out of an Eating Disorder. N. O. T. H. I. N.G. NOTHING. I cannot think of one thing that would make this worth it.
So, again. Why? Why continue? What brings people back?
I remember telling my therapist about the very first time I took laxatives. And I remember it well.
It was at a convenience store across from Thornhill Square. I ended up buying from there often and was usually embarrassed because it was the same guy all of the time.
I don’t know what prompted me to go and buy them. Nothing major was going on in my life. Everything was status quo – which baffles me and my therapists.
But I bought them, went home – decided how many to take (again, something else I don’t remember how I determined) and voila. I felt thinner and empty. I remember putting on a pair of jeans and they fit perfectly. Hmmm, this wasn’t such a bad thing. I found this little secret nobody else knows about. The thought process is unclear, but I do remember it (sadly) being a positive experience. And so it began. My awful, horrible Eating Disorder life.
Fast forward to 2014. I had been struggling for a few weeks about taking them again. I fought so hard with myself, reminding myself of the hell I would invite back into my life. But somehow in April of 2014 I welcomed ED back. I remember not knowing how many to take. They recommend 2 – and for some reason, I thought after 10 years my body somehow might be a bit accustomed to them so I had to take a few more. I took 5.
It was hell. Awful. I was so incredibly sick. I was in bed, couldn’t move. I was in the washroom couldn’t move. And oddly enough, during one of my bathroom visits, Rob knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I told him, I felt so sick. After all of this time, there was no way he would think that I had been sucked back in by ED. No way.
“Did you take?”
I was mortified. He knew. But how? Why didn’t he think that I was not feeling well. It had been 10 years. It was quite possible that I had the flu. A stomach bug – wasn’t it? But, when you bring someone along on this path – they too learn a few things. I tried as best as I could to convince Rob that it was a stomach bug and he may have believed me. But likely in the back of his mind he knew the truth.
So to answer the question What Does An ED Feel Like?
It feels like hell. It feels like you are cheating on yourself and everyone around you. The constant lying. The constant pain.
If you google HELL, this is what comes up on Wikipedia: hell is a place of torment and punishment in an afterlife. Okay, so remove afterlife and put another life. That is what an Eating Disorder fells like. Don’t ever think otherwise. Don’t ever think it will bring you joy, happiness or a sense of worth. Your weight will never, ever be able to do that. Your friends, family, accomplishments and the person you are will do that. Weight will never define you. Remember that.