People often ask why I started when I started.
Was I abused? Teased? Overweight? Did I have low self-esteem? Poor body image?
Nope, none of the above.
I had the most wonderful, amazing childhood with a family that couldn’t compliment me enough. I had (and still have) fantastic, supportive friends. I maintained a healthy weight and thought I was perfectly fine the way I was.
So why? What brought on the wrath of ED?
I don’t know what changed my mind that one day – but it changed my life forever.
I do fit the typical eating disorder “mold”.
A people pleasing perfectionist.
So, have I been trying to make myself “perfect”? That doesn’t make sense. I never thought I wasn’t perfect.
Am I trying to please people? Again, that doesn’t make sense. People liked me just the way I was.
So why? Why? Why? Why?
It’s hard to go back to that day and remember what was going on in my mind.
I truthfully believe I was curious about laxatives and wondered what it would do if I took a few. I was probably just feeling bloated and thought this would be an easy out. Literally.
After the first time, I wasn’t sick, lying on the floor in pain and lathargic for days. I felt empty and thin. Unfortunately the consequences were positive. I thought I had it all figured out. Here was my get out of feeling bloated pass.
And so it began.
I have read through my diary that I kept around that time. Nothing sticks out and identifies a real reason.
Maybe there isn’t always a psychological reason. Maybe I felt bloated. A bit bothered by an extra five pounds and wanted to take the easy way out. After that, ED took over and began the psychological manipulation.
After speaking to doctors, therapists, nutritionist, dietitians, life coaches, social workers, hypnotists, friends and family we were never ever able to get to the root of the problem.
I honestly believe there wasn’t a reason. It just happened and became a huge problem. It almost took place in the reverse order. I went running in the wrong direction
Great, positive life. Everything to live for. I had it all. Than ED took all of that and has been trying to destroy it.
Many suffers go through hell and turn to ED as a way to escape. He’s not my escape. He’s my hell.
I had nothing to run away from.