While shopping today, I noticed a skirt I liked but wasn’t sure if it would fit. The sales woman said to me “You will totally fit into it. You are so skinny. Like really skinny. Wow you are skinny!”
I’ve outted myself for a reason so I thought I would be honest with her. I told her it’s not a good thing that I’m skinny. I have issues. She questioned if my issues were stomach related. I said I have an Eating Disorder.
Two things happened:
1. I’ve never said it out loud to someone like that. It was sort of a shock to hear myself say it. Look, I know I have it but I never acknowledge it that way. I need to say it more often.
2. We talked for 15 minutes about her struggles with an Eating Disorder. She was surprised how knowledgable and clear minded I was. I told her that I have more information than the therapists I’ve been seeing for years. I know it and, I understand it because I live it.
She told me how her mind works, how it’s gotten better and how it’s relapsed.
In turn, I told her how I’m heading down the path of recovery. Turns, twists, ups and downs. But I’m going to get there.
She asked me if I’m afraid. I said no.
I think I’m invincible.
That was a lie. When I really thought about her question again in the car I realized that I’m petrified. I cannot let ED take my life. He can and he will if I let him.
So I fight. I continue to give it my all.
I am doing better. I am feeling the changes.
Last night, for the first time in years I sat down on the sofa, grabbed a spoon, a tub of peanut butter and enjoyed eating one of my most favourite treats. I stopped when I had enough and I went upstairs. Right to the bathroom.
To brush my teeth and go to bed. Just like I’m suppose to.