It amazes me that after having an eating disorder for so many years I still learn about myself every day.
A new realization came to me many months ago, when I made the decision to get better.
A big reason why letting go of ED is so daunting is that I have been using him as a crutch for many, many years. He has been my excuse and my way out of everything. Nobody challenges someone with an Eating Disorder. If you are having a bad day, are sad, anxious, upset, angry, scared or any other emotion, it’s easily blamed on ED. More times than not it is because of him, but you become blinded to all of your other emotions because you use him as your defense mechanism. It’s a crutch. A way of not accepting reality and responsibility. Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t intentional. You don’t actually plan this out – it just happens. It’s ED’s typical way of manipulating you and your relationships.
The way to overcome this is to be honest with yourself. Trust yourself. Acknowledge what you are doing, how you are acting and what you are saying. Pay attention to yourself. Don’t just behave, think. Think. And think some more.
ED is all about actions.
Recovery is all about listening, waiting, thinking, forgiving and trying.