Empty

What I’ve been told is that nothing is irrevocable.  I have to treat recovery like an experiment.  I need to gain weight.  Try it and see what a difference it will make to my mental well-being.  Every pound I am able to put on will help the healing process.  That’s what I’m told.

My eating disorder sent me to a very bad place.  It’s dark, scary, isolating, secretive, dangerous and basically I imagine it’s what hell looks like.  Nothing can be worse than the torture ED has put me through.

On the good days I see the world different than most people.  It’s a world that I could’ve lost.  I look back at the past 20 years of my life with such regret.  I have lost so much.  I know they say everything happens for a reason, but all of this suffering, depression, pain, trauma, anger, anxiety for what?  How could this be what my life was scripted to become? It doesn’t seem fair.  There has to be a silver lining at the end of all of this when I am recovered.  Gd has big plans for me.  I just wish he would tell me what they are so I can believe it’s true.

I will often recognize the fact that we don’t live forever.  In that very moment I want to slap myself in the face and think about being (like my Auntie Sara) 100 years old and looking back at my life.

Do I want to remember lying on the bathroom floor feeling like I am going into labour because I took so many laxatives that my insides are burning and making noises that cause such pain and fear?  Do I want to remember my kids knowing that their mom spends so much time in the washroom?  Do I want to remember that when it is time to eat, an enjoyable time for most people has been filled with anxiety and very calculated decisions for me?  Do I want to look back at pictures of myself and see my bony arms and legs that look like twigs instead of a healthy body of a 42 year old woman?

The biggest problem with an eating disorder is that you want to keep it a secret, yet at the same time, you feel that all of the chaos in your head needs to match on your outside.  Otherwise, what’s the point?  If I’m struggling to become this “thin person” than I have to be thin.  Why have a mental illness if you get nothing out of it?  Trust me, I know that logic doesn’t make any sense.  But that’s the thought process that comes along with an Eating Disorder.

ED makes no sense.  None.

I’ve often said that it takes on a life of it’s own.

This might help you understand what I mean.

It’s just over 8 minutes:

 

 

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