I had written posts and didn’t realize they weren’t publishing…ugh!
Couple of things:
It’s tough. But I’m starting to feel like myself again. Over the past 20 years I have promised my parents, husband, siblings, friends, doctors, therapists that I wanted to beat my Eating Disorder, that I wanted to be healthy again – but deep down a part of me wanted to remain sick. I needed to be visibly thin; in some strange way I needed the chaos inside my head to show on the outside. As hard as I tried to fight, the Eating Disorder – the most visible sign of falling part -was proof that I continued to struggle. I thought I was so strong and yet I looked so week.
In recovery you go through more emotions than anything. Excitement, fear, anger, anxiety, depression, happiness – it’s a little of everything. But the light at the end of the tunnel is what makes the better emotions trump anything negative!
I was at Parents Night at my son’s camp the other night. I was wearing shorts and a tshirt. I saw this mother staring at me. I wasn’t being paranoid – I know what I saw. She didn’t realize I could see what she was doing because I was wearing sunglasses. She decided to turn to her friend, whisper something and they both turned around and looked at me. They turned back and began to (obviously) discuss my appearance. Again, not being paranoid or self-centered, just something I am very aware of.
I get it. You may know me, you may not. My body has changed over the past couple of years. But if you see me, or anyone else for that matter who may not look “right” – do me a favour. DON’T FUCKING STARE. DON’T GOSSIP. DON’T TELL YOUR FRIEND HOW THIN THAT GIRL LOOKS.
I am not on a diet, I am not trying to loose weight. I am sick and trying to get better. I hope they wouldn’t do the same to someone who was bald, someone with a feeding tube, someone in a wheelchair or anyone else who was different than the crowd. Unfortunately for me, my thin body frame equates to an obvious eating disorder which is not understood by most people. She doesn’t eat? She throws up? What’s wrong with her? If you don’t understand it, don’t judge. I hope to gd you never, ever, ever, ever have to understand what I am going through and the journey I have taken.
Be a good role model for your kids. Don’t stare at people who don’t fit the average mold of what society accepts. Think of the shit in your life that you have gone through (because we all have) and know that in some way, we are all exactly the same.