A lovely woman sent me a wonderful email with a few questions. I am addressing one.
First, I applaud your courage in speaking out honestly about ED and your daily life. It gives reality to me and makes it harder for me to pretend I don’t have ED. I identify with you in so many of the humiliating circumstances that have happened to me over the years and yet, here I am – still stuck in my addiction, illness, whatever it is called.
What support is available for us – for you in Toronto, for me – a senior, bulimic, laxative abuser, and living in Orillia. I am frustrated as I need support, accountability, encouragement, etc, as I cannot do this alone.
You know that saying: G-d doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle? Seriously?
Okay, obviously I am “handling” this, but to what extent? Is this my mission in life?
But, on the flip side, how is it fair? Why are some people “given” such challenges?
I know we all have shit we have to deal with in different capacities, but when will I find out why I was given this to “handle”.
So, back to the email I received.
It makes me incredibly happy and incredibly sad.
Happy that maybe this stupid, fucking, idiotic, horrible disease was given to me for some reason. Is it to help people? To help one person.? To make a difference in one life would make it worth it.
All of the pain and suffering I have put my body and mind through has to amount for something.
An Eating Disorder is gross. It’s painful, awful and terrible.
Laxative abuse rips your insides out. You can actually hear the cramps, the strains and everything going on inside your body. It sounds awful. But unfortunately, to someone suffering, the noises mean that they are working.
Taking laxatives is a gamble. How many should I take to make them work without taking too many that they make me gag and vomit? Sad, huh? This is the thought process.
For all that we go through, you would like to think that help is readily available. But as we have learnt, it’s not. Wait lists are endless, programs are costly and I was told in the past I was too underweight – huh?
So, my best advice, is yes – see a therapist. A neutral person that can be objective, give you goals and make you accountable. See a nutritionist that can help guide your eating habits.
But, when it all comes down to it – the only person who will make this change is you.
I’ve heard of so many people leaving programs only to fall into a relapse. They get the help they need and do well while they are being monitored, but left to their own devices they fall back into ED’s arms. Because they are not ready to make the change. We have to be ready to change. If you aren’t ready, change can’t happen.
Please know I am here. I am not one to give you advice about recovery because I am not recovered. But when I can offer is support and encouragement. If you promise to offer the same in return.
Back in the day we had pen pals. Why not start an online support group.
We email at night, we email in the morning and offer help the best way we know. Through our experience.
If you want to take part, email me at email@example.com – I will add you to the list and we will start next Monday.