I’ve decided my recovery will never be one epiphany. Caroline said it but I never actually believed it.
I was hoping that it would be one event that would “make me better”. But it can’t be. One big event, would have to be something bad. A blood test telling me I was going to die if I didn’t get better, being in a car accident hooked up on life support knowing that I had to change my ways or having a heart attack because I took too many laxatives. Those would be events that would certainly be an “aha” moment.
But I don’t want to have one of those. Who the hell would? So, I look at my recovery as a series of small epiphanies.
Two happened today.
Someone very close to me said “I want you to say you will never take again, but I know you can’t say that.”
It’s sad really. Sad that I am not believable. But, why should people believe me? I have lied, deceived and manipulated everyone for so long. Understand though it’s not by choice. I don’t want to be that person. That person is ED, not Lisa. I am honest, reliable, trustworthy and loyal. ED is the piece of shit that has been misleading my life for so long. What an asshole.
The second one came when I was reading a diary entry from 2005. I commented on how fat and disgusting I felt. I was approaching my 100 day sobriety of not taking laxatives. The only thing I said that prevented me from going to the drug store was the fact that Rob and I were trying to have kids and I would never put those in my body while trying to get pregnant.
Two things resonated with me about that. Holy shit!!! That was 11 years ago. This has been going on so gd damn long. It’s gotta stop. It has to end. The other point was, why would I not take them to protect an unborn child, but I wasn’t willing to protect my own self? Why am I punishing myself. My poor, poor body.
The thoughts are just as harmful as the act itself. Taking laxatives is certainly medically dangerous. But telling myself that I’m fat and disgusting is mentally dangerous. You put the two together and an Eating Disorder becomes your normal.
I loved this afternoon.
The kids had their last day of school. We went for lunch, haircuts, ice cream and grocery shopping. Little things, but meaningful things. Those are the kind of epiphanies I want more of.