This is the first time I have ever talked numbers and laxatives. It’s hard to admit – but part of this process is honesty.
100. That’s not a typo for 10. 100.
I had to buy 3 boxes. I was embarrassed at the register. I’m sure the cashier didn’t care, but in my mind she knew they were for me.
The quantity continued to increase in order for them to work. I had made my way to triple digits.
I remember 10 years ago, when I took 40 laxatives. I was disgusted in myself.
And here I was, about to injest 100 laxatives.
The hardest part of an eating disorder is talking yourself out of it once you have made up your mind. There is a real struggle leading up to a decision, but once it’s made it’s game over. No turning back.
Part of recovery is learning the coping strategies to make sure that decision is not made. Convincing yourself what the right decision is.
I never keep laxatives in the house. So I had made up my mind, got in the car and went to Shoppers. Like I said, game over.
But with that decision comes a master plan. I had a pretty good idea what would be in store for me over the next 24-48 hours. Lifelessness. Exhaustion. Nausea. Potential vomiting. Headache. Dehydration. I knew this was all going to happen, yet I went ahead and bought them anyways. I had to plan my day accordingly.
All of the symptoms I listed were spot on. But they were magnified. I anticipated nausea, but it was so hard to deal with I didn’t know what position to be in. The headache was painful, but I couldn’t take anything because I was so nauseous. My lips and mouth were so dry but I couldn’t muster the strength to drink.
Can you imagine a person doing this? Why in g-ds name would anyone want to inflict this type of torture on their own body? But I did. Because my stupid, fucked up eating disorder became such a huge part of my life that it became my life and manipulated my mind.
I am intelligent and know right from wrong. I know this is wrong. I know it is awful. I know it will kill me someday. But in that moment, that game over moment you forget. Quickly. And just as quickly, as you lie on the washroom floor with both of your feet fast asleep, you can’t move, you realize that you can not live like this. You cannot do this to your body.
You cannot keep increasing the amount of laxatives you take. If it’s at 100 now, it will get to 150 and 200 and……
It’s poison. Complete poison.
To take that many laxatives is just awful.
100 is how old my Great Aunt is. That’s when you should be proud of 100.