It’s okay to stare

I know people look at me when I eat. What am I eating? How much am I eating. How do I eat it? Did I finish everything?  And lastly, will she keep it in her body?

This observing isn’t for any reason other than concern.

I went to Buffalo two weeks ago with my parents. We went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I ordered a garden salad with chicken. They didn’t have to say a word, but I could see the joy in their eyes. It’s like watching a newborn take their first bite of food. Happiness. Elation. Satisfaction. Yet, here I am. Not a newborn  but a 42 year old grown woman whose parents are so worried about whether or not I eat.

It is moments like this that make me want out for good. The acts. The lies. The sneaking around. The thoughts.

I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I don’t want to worry about me. I don’t want people to worry about me. I want to eat, enjoy and go on with my day.

An Eating Disorder does not allow you to have a ‘day’. It gives you permission to function on its schedule. With its thought processes and to check in every 5 minutes with the disease. You are not allowed to forget about it.  It doesn’t ever let you  forget.

When I look at my life, I have friends, parents, siblings, sibling in laws, husband, kids, acquaintances and new friends. I’m lucky. I have what I need. The Eating Disorder takes away from what I love and who I love.

I don’t love my Eating Disorder. It’s not a choice. It is something I am working at taking out of my life so that I can put all of my energy into the things I do enjoy.

Than I can live again.

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