I know people look at me when I eat. What am I eating? How much am I eating. How do I eat it? Did I finish everything? And lastly, will she keep it in her body?
This observing isn’t for any reason other than concern.
I went to Buffalo two weeks ago with my parents. We went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I ordered a garden salad with chicken. They didn’t have to say a word, but I could see the joy in their eyes. It’s like watching a newborn take their first bite of food. Happiness. Elation. Satisfaction. Yet, here I am. Not a newborn but a 42 year old grown woman whose parents are so worried about whether or not I eat.
It is moments like this that make me want out for good. The acts. The lies. The sneaking around. The thoughts.
I don’t want to be trapped here anymore. I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I don’t want to worry about me. I don’t want people to worry about me. I want to eat, enjoy and go on with my day.
An Eating Disorder does not allow you to have a ‘day’. It gives you permission to function on its schedule. With its thought processes and to check in every 5 minutes with the disease. You are not allowed to forget about it. It doesn’t ever let you forget.
When I look at my life, I have friends, parents, siblings, sibling in laws, husband, kids, acquaintances and new friends. I’m lucky. I have what I need. The Eating Disorder takes away from what I love and who I love.
I don’t love my Eating Disorder. It’s not a choice. It is something I am working at taking out of my life so that I can put all of my energy into the things I do enjoy.
Than I can live again.