Answer to your question

Someone who reads my blog reached out and asked me a question:

What does it feel like when you take so many laxatives?  What does your day look like?

Sometimes I am concerned when someone asks me these questions because a part of me worries, are they trying to get tips?  Do they want me to tell them how amazing you feel after?  Well, I’m going to be completely honest as I always said I would be.

I never have kept them in the house.  Ever.  I never want them to be taken by mistake by someone else or found by my kids.  So I buy them on an as needed basis.  I go into the drugstore, pick up a basket and find my way to the “stomach” isle.  I take the quantity I need.  I put something else in the basket in case I bump into someone I know, I wouldn’t want them seeing what I was buying.

I’m often very embarrassed at the check out.  I wonder if the cashier looks at the quantity of boxes I’m buying and knows.  I’m sure they don’t give a shit or even pay much attention, but that’s me just being paranoid.

I go home or to work and the process beings.  I begin to take them out of the wrapping one at a time.  I will take a handful and put hem in my mouth followed by a big drink of water.  This goes on and on and on and on until I reach the desired quantity.  It can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour for this whole production to end.

I figured out that if I take laxatives on an empty stomach they would react in about 2-3 hours.  On a full stomach closer to 7+.  Pathetic that I have mathematically calculated this.

So I wait.  And wait.  The anticipation is really hard.  You don’t know what’s in store.

The first part is the nausea.  It’s terrible.  Awful.  Horrible.  You need to lie down, you need so stand up, you need to crouch down, you need to squat.  You just don’t know what to do with your body.  It can last 30 minutes or it can last a couple of hours.  But basically you cannot move, talk, drink, eat or even think.  You can feel your heart beating through your chest.  I usually go through a “shit, what have I done?” phase.  I fear that this may be the time that kills me.  This may be when I have a heart attack and die.

The next stage is the washroom.  And that is where I end up for hours, upon hours for the next 24 -48 hours.  Back and forth from the sofa to the washroom, to the bed to the washroom.  There were times when I would just lie on the bathroom floor and fall asleep there because the travelling was just too much.  Asleep on the bathroom floor! Did you read that?  ASLEEP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!!  Pathetic.  Instead of sleeping like a human being in my comfy, cozy bed I am sleeping on the floor like a dog.

When I took “too many” sometimes I would end up throwing up because that was my body’s way of telling me it couldn’t handle it.  Instead of my body giving up and quitting, it was giving me this warning sign.  I’m incredibly lucky and quite honestly shocked at how forgiving my body has been.

Most of the major pain subsides 24 hours later and that is when I would notice my pants fitting looser.  At this point, I am lethargic, tired, dizzy, cold, sweaty, thirsty, hungry, have a headache and can feel my chest pains.

As best as I could hide all of this behavior, my kids would see some of it.  They ask me, when I crawled out of my hole if I am feeling okay.  I would always put on a phony smile and tell them I was great.

So back to my pants being looser.  So what?  I was as close to death as I would ever want to be.  The pain is something I would never wish on my worst enemy.  Imagine your insides being turned out, having a c-section with no anasthetic and drinking 5 gallons of expired milk.  That is what it feels like as just a starting point. The noises and feelings that tare place in my body are not normal.  And the worst part is that they are self inflicted.  As my therapist has said, what I am doing is the same thing as attempting suicide.  Just in a slower, more painful way.

I always worry that people who want to loose a few pounds will think that taking a couple laxatives may help.  I’m here to tell you that nothing good will ever come out of it.  When you go to buy that first package, remember me.  I thought I would only do it once.

That was 20 years ago.




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