They are expensive, hard to swallow and unpredictable. So why is it that I chose this symptom? At the time, 20 years ago I didn’t know anyone that took laxatives and quite frankly I don’t remember what possessed me to go buy that very first pack.
All I know is that I remember the effects after. I felt empty and my pants were loose. So from that day forward they became my new best friend.
If I were to calculate my eating disorder in numbers (just an estimate), this is what it would look like.
Gross, disgusting and what the fuck am I thinking?!
Forget the money. The time. Time you can never, ever get back. Money you can earn back and quite honestly you can learn to live with what money you have, but time is irreplaceable. I should be looking at those figures and be proud to say that is money I have donated to a charity or time spent volunteering for a worthwhile cause. But instead, I am writing a blog that explains how I have been a prisoner for all of that time. Abusing laxatives, vomiting because I am so sick from taking too many, restricting foods and having a preoccupation with my body is what started on that fateful day 20 years ago.
Remind me what good comes out of an eating disorder? I am a better person without it. On the days when I don’t take laxatives, I feel better, am happier, have more energy and am in a great place. The days when I have taken I am sick, miserable and basically out of commission. It really becomes a love hate relationship. In the moment you hate it. But you quickly forget how much you hate it the next day.