Clothes and Missing Out

At this point in my life I own more clothes than I ever have.

The variety of sizes is insane.

I didn’t get rid of the “larger” sizes, but I have been getting rid of the smaller ones.  It’s not easy.  It’s hard.  Just like anyone who gains weight and has to pack away those clothes.  On one hand it is very difficult and on another hand it is liberating.  Don’t get me wrong.  The difficult hand weighs much heavier.  There is a small part of me that wants to hang on to the small clothes.  But by doing that I am inviting myself to be that size again.

Shopping in the kids section or wearing a double zero isn’t okay.  I know that.  Lisa knows that.  The Eating Disorder does not.  It’s a constant struggle.  That is what an Eating Disorder is  all about.  A constant struggle and battle.  You against the disease.  It’s just a matter of who wins.  As you can tell, ED has won.  He has been winning for a long time.  For years.  I try to remind myself how strong, determined and focused I am.  I would NEVER allow a friend, spouse, sibling or colleague to control me.  So how have I allowed this invisible, non-existent “thing” to control me and turn me into a sick person both physically and mentally?  It just doesn’t make sense.  It’s upsetting to think that this happened.  I am angry, frustrated and most of all sick and tired of being sick and tired.

In the moment, I can remind myself what a hell it is.  My son remembering a time when he was walking home with the nanny and something funny happened, I said where was I?  He said “Remember, you were sick that day.”  I do remember.  I wasn’t sick.  I was in excruciating pain from overdosing on laxatives.  So, I missed out on a walk home from school, I missed out on a beautiful day and I missed out on life.  Again.  Remind me again why an Eating Disorder is a good thing?



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