That is what I have heard from a lot of people.
They are surprised that I have been struggling for so long with an Eating Disorder.
Likely because I have hid it so well. Emotionally – not physically. Those that see me on a regular basis or haven’t seen me in a while and bump into me now can certainly tell, but I have received countless emails from friends of the past that are shocked.
Why are they shocked?
Because I am outgoing, personable, friendly, confident, funny, creative, dynamic, sensitive, compassionate and very social.
I am not the sit in my room, extrovert, listen to all of my sad stories kind of gal. That’s not who I am, that’s not who I have ever been. So from the outside looking in I am all of those positive things I have described. And I am – it’s not a farce.
The eating disorder has taken over certain aspects of my life – a huge part actually. But I have refused (even for 20 years) to let him take over completely. I have lived, I have allowed myself to have a life in between the struggles. That takes a lot of effort – but I am so happy I have. Because by doing that I am able to see both sides of this. Life and the disease. It certainly doesn’t take a rocket scientist to recognize which is the better option.
Unfortunately that is what this disease is all about. It grabs a hold of you, becomes your best friend and is very reluctant to let you go.
Let me share a memory with you.
It was about a year ago. I went grocery shopping. I had taken my usual dose of laxatives. All of a sudden I was hit with intense and excruciating nausea. I tried to manage as I always did, but couldn’t cope this time. I ran to pay – leaving my list incomplete and ran home. I didn’t even have time to bring in the groceries. I ran to the washroom and stayed there for an hour. That’s not even the worse part. I was so incredibly nauseous that I knew I was about to throw up. But how? I couldn’t move. I had to grab the garbage can at the same time. It was gross, awful, disgusting and demoralizing.
That’s not living. That’s not a best friend.
Dropping my kids off at school yesterday. Going to Sheena’s Place. Picking the kids up. Having a pizza party. Watching the Raptors play game 6. Making ice cream sandwiches. Cuddling with my three boys. Giving them a shower. Lying with them in bed and discussing our favourite parts of the day. Being told that they had so much fun tonight. My 9 year old thanking me for having his friend over tonight.