If you are new to my blog, welcome. You likely read the article today in The Toronto Star. Thanks.

I started this blog almost one year ago. And the start of my recovery began exactly one year ago to the date. Ironic. You can read from the beginning of my story (scroll down) to get a better understanding of my struggle with an awful, debilitating, horrendous 20 year eating disorder.

Here is the Coles notes version of me:

I am 41 (turning 42 tomorrow), am married, have three boys,  parents, family and friends that are the best anyone could ever ask for. My life is great. Except for my disease. This eating disorder started when I was 20. It lasted for 10 very long years. At first it was gradual as I had to learn how to adapt my ‘new’ life into my old life. People didn’t catch on quickly because I mastered the art of lying and deception (something I am not proud of now). But as time went on, the weight loss became noticeable and not in a positive way. I got help. My recovery was sporadic but I made progress.

When I was married in 2003 my husband and I dreamed of having kids one day. He made it very clear that I had to be better physically and mentally to begin that journey. On February 1, 2004 I stopped cold turkey. I gave it up. ED and I ended our relationship. Just like that. The years of therapy and inpatient programs did have a positive impact on my recovery, but when it came down to it, my determination to have a family is what motivated me to get better .

I gave birth to three perfect boys. I was amazed that my body allowed me to do that.  I lived again. I had my life back.

Sometime in April of 2014, ED reared his ugly face and came back 10 years later. He returned quickly and aggressively. It did not take long for those closest to me to realize what was happening. I lost weight very quickly – about 30lbs in one year. I did not have that weight to loose, so everyone became extremely concerned.

For two years I have been struggling again. From reading the article you know that I have been desperate in my attempts to get help, but have not had luck. So I have taken matters into my own hands.  I had to decide to get better. Once and for all.

The last 4 months I have been doing my very best to make changes. Make smart decisions. With the help of my awesome therapist, we set a goal back in December. I had to pick a date. A date that if I was not on the road to recovery, I would have to be more aggressive in my treatment and get checked in. That date is tomorrow. Even though I have learned how difficult getting help is, I would find someone, somewhere that would help.

But, I am on the road to recovery.

It’s a long, long road. It’s slow. It’s painful.  The most difficult part is giving up the life I know.  It’s not a life anyone should live  and it’s not a life I would wish on my worst enemy.  But imagine giving up a part of you that has been your identity for half of your life. It’s scary.  I know that what lies on the other side of this disease will give me freedom.  Give me control. Give me happiness. There is nothing negative that will come out of recovery.  But it is hard to say goodbye to something that has played such a huge part of your life.

My therapist once asked me if I have ever tried to commit suicide       . NO. NEVER. EVER. EVER. I WOULD NEVER. She told me that although I have never had those thoughts my actions are me committing suicide slowly.  This eating disorder will eventually kill me if I don’t follow through with my recovery.

So, this is who I am.

Welcome to my journey of recovery.  I blog often. I am honest, but sometimes do not include full details.  Soon I will share some of the stories I have drafted.  When I’m ready.

I now feel accountable. My story is out there. I want to inspire, motivate and show ED that he cannot and will not win this battle  .He has taken too much away from me.  It is time for me to take back what I deserve.  My life.

Feel free to email me questions, comments or anything you want clarified in my blog: shynz@rogers.com


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