This Process Is Long

Taking time off work again would mean finally deciding what I want to do.  And getting better.  Last time I wasn’t ready.  I didn’t know that at the time, but I do know that now.  This isn’t small.  This illness isn’t insignificant.  It’s huge.  It has become a part of my life and essentially took over my life.  Why wouldn’t I put myself first and get better and make this my number one priority.  You cannot put a timeline on your health and getting well.  And there is no plan, no magical equation that will be able to make me better.  So it’s been trial and error.  I’ve been doing the very best I can.  And the best I can do is to want to get better.

I know I have the support of my family.

Rob, is worried.  What will I do with my free time?

I will continue to see S, go to Sheena’s place and do some stuff part time.  He won’t say it, but I know he thinks I will sit at home and eat laxatives all day long.  Too much freedom means trouble.  But to be honest, over the years I have mastered my eating disorder so well that I was able to do it wherever and whenever I wanted.  So being home doesn’t give me more permission.  It does the opposite.  It gives me an out.  To not sit in a job that makes me unhappy or unsatisfied.  In that moment I can get up and do what I want to get well and to make me feel good about myself.  That’s what ED is all about.  Trying to make you feel shitty about yourself and take over the good moments in your life.  So, I can control that by turning a good moment into a great moment instead of a weak moment.

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