The biggest, most prominent part of an Eating Disorder is the lying and the secrets. Although it’s a difficult illness to hide, there are many things I have been able to hide. Over the years, those closest to me have figured it out. You can only be deceitful for so long.
The biggest lie I’ve been handing out, is that I’m getting better. I’m doing well.
It was all bullshit. Notice the word WAS. Not IS.
That was a 6 months ago, even three months ago.
Don’t get me wrong, I was trying – and always am, but I thought I was getting better when in reality I can see now I wasn’t. I was always waiting for the “switch” to go off.
And it did. Through the help of therapy – finding the right person. And now when I say I’m doing better I mean it. I am doing better. Both physically and most importantly mentally. I am working and fighting harder than ever.
I may take a leave from work. Yes, again. What I haven’t done is put myself first. Last time when I was planning on attending the program at TGH it’s unfortunate that it didn’t work out. The time off was great because it was “me” time, but it wasn’t long enough. I got anxious about not being at work, when in fact I should’ve realized that a job will always be there. My health only gets one chance. I only get one chance to live.
I have 47 days today to continue the fight for my life. To get my life back. To have a life.