Another thing I have learned over the past few months is that I’ve been waiting for something that I already have.
I felt like I was missing something. And yes, maybe there is something related to my job, my passion and interests but the important “somethings” I already have. Why have I been putting constant pressure on myself to achieve something bigger? What I have is my health (yes, working on that), my family, my friends, my laughter, my spirit, my loyalty, my devotion, my love for my life. And my three kids. These three humans love me to the end of the earth. The way they look at me. The way they run to greet me when I come home from work. They way they stand on Cooper’s bed in the morning and wave goodbye to me. The way they show me their homework with pride. The way they always want one more kiss. The way they confide in me. The way they tell me I rock. The way that they trust me. The way that I am the most important female in their lives.
So what exactly am I looking for that can be better than that??? The other things aren’t easy to gain. You earn those things and I have earned every hug, every wave, every cuddle. I’ve worked hard at it – by just being me. My kids don’t care what I eat or how much I weigh. What they do care about is missed time with mom because she overdosed on laxatives and spent hours in the washroom. They care about missed opportunities because I tried to replace one bad habit with another my teaching myself how to vomit.
Yes, work wise I’m stuck. I’m not doing what I love. But the good news is that I can change that. And I will. I’ve been following a path because I’m “suppose” to be doing this. But, this is not what I “want” to be doing. I have much more potential than pushing around papers and managing peoples calendars.
When I write laxatives or vomit I actually want to vomit. I have everything to live for and have been abusing my body for years. The fact that my body hasn’t given up, solidifies that I am strong, determined and meant to be here.
I’ve been doing well. Working with the right people to get better. What I never had was a goal. I was just working towards getting better. But, everyone needs an end. Something to achieve. After all that’s what an Eating Disorder is all about.
S asked me what my goal date would be. She suggested the summer. I said my birthday. That puts me at May 10th. 7 weeks today (seba). And if I have not reached my goal by that day, I call Lauren (who runs the program at Bellwood) and I check myself in. No ifs ands or buts. That’s the goal and that’s the consequence. But if I keep it up and work harder than I have ever worked before I know that I will be celebrating my birthday with the people I love. And not the toilet.