Sorry, you are still too thin

NYGH hospital called me.  They wanted to reassess me for their 3 day a week program (4pm-8pm).  I went in on Thursday to meet with Danielle, who I had a consultation with back in May of last year.  She and I really got along.

She was proud with my progress and how much I have changed in the year.

I said that I am getting there, but I need help getting over the hump.

The typical questions were asked and she went through the program in detail once again.

We ended up at the same place we did last time.  My situation is unique and I do not fall under the criteria for the program so she will discuss my case with the team.  Again.

Danielle called me on Friday.

Nope.  They will NOT take me.  They feel that I am at a different place in my recovery and need more medical attention to ensure that when I am completely off of laxatives, someone is monitoring me physically.  Sigh.

I found a program in Denver.  It is perfect.  Two weeks.  A detox basically.  To completely get you off of the substance.  Once and for all.  Not over months.  Over two weeks – potentially 3.  I spoke to the intake coordinator and everything about the program seemed perfect.  Your meals are customized, you have your own team of doctors – but…that comes at a cost.

When she told me that it was forty seven a day, I thought Fantastic – I have found my answer.  But something made me resist how easy this was.  Forty seven what I said.  Forty seven hundred dollars – a day!  OMG OMG OMG.  Are you fucking kidding me?

So, she took my insurance information and said she would process it to see if I have coverage.  Because they are a hospital there is a potential that I may be covered for that.

Man, I know when I open a clinic, I will never charge people those astronomical fees.

So, where I am today?

Not worse.  Slowly but surely I make progress every day.  The fact that I have put on 12 lbs since I was last at NYGH is a great thing.  The fact that I had a bagel for breakfast the other day is a big thing.  They are all small to the normal person, but big to someone in recovery.

When I went to see S she was really happy that I was tired and exhausted.  I don’t have the energy to fight and my body is just shutting down (not in the bad sense), but in the sense that I am giving in to ED.

Okay, fine you win.  Good for you.  You came, you saw, you concered and you took over my life.  Fine.  You won.

But let’s start over.  Now it’s my turn.  And that’s what I aim for every single day.

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